I was moved to an able-person room on the other side of the hotel, and after watching TV for a while began to doze off. I do not sleep well when away on business, so it was shortly after midnight before I finally dropped off into the land of nod.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I woke with a start, violently ripped from the dream I was having about some particularly nimble of cheerleaders. I quickly checked my ears for signs of bleeding, as the piercing volume of some form of alarm was making the entire room shake. For some reason I looked for the source of the noise in order to turn it off, which seems stupid in hindsight, but I was very keen to get back the cheerleaders.
I popped my head out into the corridor to hear the alarm out there too.
We were on fire!!
This was exciting. I had never been in a burning building before. They say that your life flashes before you at a times of imminent death, but I can tell you now that this is utter bollocks. All I could think of was which pair of jeans to put on, and whether or not to take my laptop outside with me. ‘Life flashes’ my arse. Clearly this is evidence that I am just the sort of person you need in a crisis. I knew I was wasted in the corporate world.
I checked my watch. It was 1:40am. I made my way to the car park without so much as a sniff of smoke, a glimpse of a damsel in distress, or indeed any sign of a raging inferno. My chance to be a hero would have to wait for at least another night. I knew I should have fetched my laptop.
I met my colleagues in the car park and we discussed the shock we had gone through when the alarm went off. The fire brigade arrived, and after a few minutes checking the building they gave us the OK to return to our rooms, even though the cheerleader dream was almost certainly lost forever.
I got into bed and as I closed my eyes I prayed for something even remotely erotic to pop into my head.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
I awoke with a start. Again! It was 2:30am. I climbed out of bed, and just as I got my jeans back on, it stopped. Either it was the most speedily subdued fire ever, or another false alarm. I got back into bed, and eventually began to drift off. For the third time. Just at the point that I began to fall away…
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
For fuck’s sake!
It was now 2:50am and I was getting up in just over four hours. At this point I was willing to risk the chance of burning to death for a few stolen moments of sleep. Again, the alarm stopped after being on just long enough to ensure the entire building was awake.
Four hours later I awoke to the sound of my now decidedly feeble mobile phone alarm, to read a letter stuffed under my door from the hotel manager apologising for the previous nights false alarm. He was reiterating how resident safety is was paramount. Basically it said that if it happens again tonight, be prepared to go into the car park. Again.
I drank four coffees and made my way to work.
No tags
Dr J · June 26, 2007 at 9:00 am
If you ask me the clue was in the no life-flashes thing. Next time this happens check for life-flashes first and if there are none you are plainly not in mortal danger and can safely plug your ears and get back to the cheerleaders
Pete · June 26, 2007 at 9:18 am
Grrrr. This happened to me once. Furthermore, there was no hot water in the morning.
In spite of this, it was a fantastic night. Why, you ask? Hohohoho. Maybe some other time.
Dominic · June 26, 2007 at 9:26 am
This sounds like a normal night from when I was at university. Even underarm deodorant was enough to set off our smoke detectors and evacuate the building.
The few times our mediocre cooking skills resulted in actual fires in the kitchen with real smoke, of course, the alarms never so much as beeped.
marycub · June 26, 2007 at 9:44 am
No matter what wakes you up in the middle of the night, nothing is worse than being woken up by someone having sex. And if that is not bad enough already, it’s the sound of someone having sex loudly and in my mind quite fakely (yes it is a word!). There is nothing worse than girl next door thinking she is the next carmen electra and making noises that only arise in porn movies. All of this topped of by the distinct slapping sound one gets when attempting doggy style.
Yes my uni house had thin walls and yes i was quite disturbed although i did feel faintly better about the situation when i started to shout “she’s faking, she’s faking” through the wall so as to entertain myself at 4 in the morning!
Admin comment by Mr Angry · June 26, 2007 at 10:15 am
Dr J – That, right there, is an excellent life lesson you have given us all.
Pete – Hello. I think you might be new, we have a Pete, but he uses txt spk. I look forward ot hearing about your night in the hotel. Or renting the DVD.
Dominic – We were subsequently told it was a faulty sensor in room 420. I was not in room 420, for clarification.
marycub – My ex-girlfriend was excellent at sleeping through people having sex. Even when those people were me and her.
Dave Petterson · June 26, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Probably some poor bastard having a fly fag.
There will be a lot more of these as people decide they ain’t going out for a trek just to have a fag.
Kris · June 26, 2007 at 12:20 pm
I’m sorry, but being from the States, I have to ask: is a nimble of cheerleaders anything like a gaggle of geese?
Mr.X · June 26, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Yes, have to agree with Dave P, it’s always some nicotine-addicted loser having a crafty drag in the bogs.
Selfish bastards, especially when cheerleaders are involved!
GH · June 26, 2007 at 1:57 pm
So was the sensor faulty ‘cos some gimp flooded the room above it?
GH
Billyboy & MrsF · June 26, 2007 at 5:19 pm
I don’t wish to appear rude here old chap, but maybe one needs to get a life before it can flash before ones eyes.
la cubana gringa · June 26, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Perhaps this is the universe’s way of telling you you’re never gonna get it from a cheerleader.
Sam Cullum · June 26, 2007 at 6:13 pm
Cheerleaders and fags. This is turning bizzare……mind you it already was.
clarissa · June 26, 2007 at 6:41 pm
Fire Safety is not to be taken lightly.
chopski · June 26, 2007 at 7:44 pm
As the fire alarm made an EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE sound I presume the hotel was up North somewhere?!
BanTheBreeders · June 26, 2007 at 9:59 pm
How sad, getting up in case the hotel was on fire. EVERYONE knows York is too wet to catch fire!!!
Some Catchy Chic · June 27, 2007 at 2:02 am
FIRE!!!!
luna · June 30, 2007 at 1:58 am
Did you get your money back from Falty Towers Hotel.
If you were worried about a fire you should have gone back to the flooded room.
Dreamt about mermaids or something.