Kids today are fat.

And not in the good way. We are told that kids of today are considerably more obese than we were when we were kids, which I guess says something for a diet of Space Dust, Milky Bars and Hubba Bubba.

There are apparently many things to blame for the fat kid crisis. Things like computer games, television adverts for fast food, and the fact that most of them are utter lazy cunts.

This problem is only being exacerbated by the introduction of this new fad for “Heelies”. For those of you that live in a cave or somewhere on the outskirts of civilization, like Basingstoke, these are shoes with a little wheel in them so that kids can roll from place to place instead of walking. I think you can probably see the link I am suggesting here. More rolling. Less walking. More fat fucking kids.

In a society where children are going to get fatter and fatter, we do not need to be inventing toys which make their lives more sedate. This is like introducing the ‘Segue’ to Americans. We need to make trendy shoes with lead implants. Or teach all dogs to chase little people, a bit harsh on the midgets I’ll admit, but they have a life of adversity already so probably won’t notice the extra imposition. Let us be honest, nothing induces a higher heart rate and spurt of strenuous activity like the threat of being mauled by a rabid dog. Anything to bring on a bit of a sweat in the little fat fuckers.

I have long since advocated putting e-coli or some other wasting disease into chocolate bars, just to help people who have zero will power cut down on the calories. It is akin to Pavlov’s dog. Once our children associate ‘sweets’ with a five day dose of the shits and getting their meals through an intravenous drip, I am sure they will cut down.

Add this to blood thirsty dogs on every street corner and I guarantee you in five years our kids will have a body fat ratio we can be proud of. Those that are left, anyway.