“Arrrr, look at his cute bum, I just want to bite it every time I see it!”

You could forgive a statement such as this from a new parent talking about their cute young baby, just. But this came from the girlfriend of my mate Jean-Luc The Pilot. Jean-Luc The Pilot, is a pilot. In that he flies aeroplanes and stuff. For a living. He was however an electromechanical engineer when we were at University, busy studying things like Thermo Dynamics and Nuclear bits’n'pieces.

Of course, he soon realised that this was a rubbish vocation when it came to chatting up women, but, unlike any normal person who would lie about what they do for a living in order to get women to have sex with them, he decided to go to the huge time and expense of actually retraining as a pilot. The stupid idiot. To make matters worse, the whole time he has been a pilot he has had a long term girlfriend, so he has not even been able to use it to his advantage. Whereas I just lie about being a pilot. Ha! The joke is on him! I am quite sure that he secretly wants to be me. Or maybe it is not a secret but he just doesn’t want to embarrass me about my magnificentness.

Anyway, his girlfriend seemed to think he has a nice bum, and told us all about it at the wedding, a lot. Which was, quite frankly, sickening. What is worse, he clearly believed his own hype, as his clothes were tighter than I’ve ever seen him wear. I fully expect to see him wearing a spandex all-in-one body suit at our next get together.

“I think we should have an independent inquiry.” I suggested, just as the eating of a meal off of Jean-Luc The Pilot’s arse was being discussed. By other people. Nothing was further from my mind than eating anything off that hairy-arsed former Electromechanical Engineer.

And so, four of us stood in front of a randomly selected female wedding guest and allowed her to study our arses. Fully clothed I might add. It had not turned into that sort of wedding, despite my best efforts. I cannot say for certain how much clenching was going on, but there were four faces of steely concentration looking across at the DJ as we were fully assessed from behind.

And the result?

Let’s just say I was in the top 50% and old saggy-arsed Jean-Luc The Pilot most definitely, was not…

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