The following morning the hotel suggested visiting the Garda station to report the theft of my wallet, as any insurance claim might require it. The receptionist gave me the most vague directions anyone has received since ET pointed at the sky, and off I went in search of the police station.
Eventually I found it, and a rosey-faced policeman came to the counter, whereupon I explained my situation.
“Did you lose it or was it actually stolen?”
“Well I didn’t chase, or in fact see, the thief, if that’s what you’re asking? But it didn’t jump out of my pocket on the way up Grafton Street either. It was definitely taken.”
I got the distinct impression that pick-pocketing does not actually exist in Ireland? Perhaps the official statistics simply imply that people lose more wallets a year in Dublin than anywhere else in the world? I suppose this is one way to improve the crime rate in the post election period.
He begrudgingly took my answer, that I was definitely a victim of a crime, and disappeared out of sight. A few moments later a different officer appeared.
“Hello, I have some good news and bad news.”
Interesting! I had not given them my name yet, but perhaps my wallet had been handed in (the good news), but all the cash had been taken (the bad news)? I asked for the bad news first.
“Well, the bad news is that you can’t report a stolen wallet here. But the good news is that nearest station where you can report it is only a couple of minutes away on Pearse St.”
This left me more than a little confused. I did not realise that Ireland now had police stations that do not deal with actual crimes. I can only assume that they just do directions for tourists, and perhaps parking permits. It must get very boring for all the policeman that joined up to solve crimes in their community, only to be told, “Oh, crime solving? We don’t do that sort of thing here, what made you think we did? Now, point that tourist in the direction of a pub.”
After this initial set-back, I found a Western Union office just down the road where I would be able to get the money HSBC had transferred for me the previous evening. I was assured on the phone that this would be a very simple procedure.
“How much are yer looking to receive?” asked the guy behind the counter in the broadest Irish brogue I had ever heard.
“Three hundred Euro”
“Ah. I don’t tink dat we’ve got dat koinda money at da moment, like. Sorry.”
So I stood there, waiting, for what seemed like a couple of weeks, whilst an assortment of Eastern European nationals sent money ‘back home’, just so I could collect my money and continue my wasted morning.
Seriously, these immigrants need to stop spending so frivolously on clothing, food and shelter, and start sending more of their money home. Then perhaps people like me can get much swifter access to the cash we need so we can go out and get pissed.
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La Cubana Gringa · May 31, 2007 at 7:56 am
Your incident with the police reminds me of the time that I got to the front of a very long line at an airport ticket counter (where I’d waited after being instructed to do so to reschedule a cancelled flight) only to be told that no, they weren’t issueing tickets AT THE TICKET COUNTER but that what I really needed to do was wait in line to use a phone to call a ticketing agent.
I believe I said a few bad words that day. Well. More than average at least.
Oli · May 31, 2007 at 8:36 am
Every crime you report means a policeman has to fill out some forms three times from what ive seen. Passing you to another station was probably the guys idea of a joke, passing the poxy englishman onto someone he didnt like so he would have to fill out a shitload of paperwork over a wallet.
Mo · May 31, 2007 at 8:58 am
You seem to be building a pattern here Angry, all alcohol related too! One week you ‘Lose’ your bank card, next your ‘wallet’, things must get better for you?!
Torsten Cool · May 31, 2007 at 11:09 am
There is police station near my house, but it often close.
Peach · May 31, 2007 at 11:17 am
thing is Mr A, while you might have felt angry, you don’t sound like you lost your cool…
…or had it stolen
Admin comment by Mr Angry · May 31, 2007 at 11:29 am
LCG – There were a few muttered words, but that was about it.
Oli – Apparently it was the ‘wrong’ station.
Mo – I certainly hope so…
Torsten Cool – Same here.
Peach – Ever since I was arrested in Italy ten years ago, I have made it a policy not to get angry around the police in foreign countries. They really do not like it.
Mr.X · May 31, 2007 at 12:17 pm
The fun of dealing with foreign police, eh?
‘Wrong station’ – workshy fops, the lot…
P.S. What were you arrested in Italy for? Sounds interesting..
Dr J · May 31, 2007 at 1:30 pm
From the way you describe Dublin I’m left with the impression that “Father Ted” was in fact a fly-on-the-wall style documentary then?
Admin comment by Mr Angry · May 31, 2007 at 1:55 pm
Mr X – I honestly don’t know, for certain. It is a distinct possibility I am still wanted in that country.
Dr J – I actually had a brilliant time overall, but you don’t want to read about that, do you?
BoyOnTop · May 31, 2007 at 2:54 pm
You actually had a brilliant time? Is that allowed on holiday? How did you fit it in between police and Western Union visits?
Léonie · May 31, 2007 at 5:21 pm
Hang on, I think I know how you might have had a brilliant time despite all of this… Was the next station run by beautiful Irish ladies with policewoman outfits on, who plied you with Guinness whilst making you a new wallet with their own fair hands? I’m right, aren’t I?
(Betty, was this your idea?)
Jann · June 1, 2007 at 9:20 am
“simply imply” – I cannot read this correctly but the incorrect version amuses me.
Jimmy Page's Trousers · June 1, 2007 at 11:13 am
Ah, I see you’ve met my filthy, thieving bastard countrymen. You’re also now acquainted with my useless, pointless and mostly stupid countrymen in uniform. On all of their behalf please allow me to apologise.
They are bastards to a man. I’d like to say that most Irishmen aren’t like that but that’d be a lie. The best I can offer is that some Irishmen aren’t complete tossers.
luna · June 7, 2007 at 9:51 pm
The guys who stole your wallet were the Eastern europeans who sent YOUR money to THEIR homes.