I have always thought poetry is a bit rubbish. Really. If you think about it long enough, I am sure you will agree with me.
What is even worse is rubbish poetry that doesn’t even rhyme. Unfortunately, this seems to be quite popular, and the world has gone Haiku mad. I am sad to say that far too many of you seem to think that Haiku’s are big and clever.
Let me positively assure you, it is not. It is pretentious cockwad of the highest order. Poetry rhymes, that’s why it’s not called writing.
This is a famous Haiku by some Japanese dude called Basho Matsuo from the 17th century.
-
An old silent pond…
A frog jumps into the pond,
splash! Silence again.
It is absolutely shit! Where is the character development? Where is the set-up and punchline? It is a story about a stupid frog jumping into a pond, and IT IS FAMOUS!
I was writing prose better than this at six. Probably.
Haiku’s are just syllable-impaired attempts by pseudo-intellectuals to make a point in a ‘clever’ manner. In the days when writing took fucking ages (because of those feather pen things), or papyrus was limited, then I could just about forgive limiting words and syllables to make your point in the briefest possible way. But Christ on a skateboard, you people have word processors, why not use them?
If you want decent poetry go to the library and look up the work ‘Limerick’. No poem ever ended badly when it started with, “There was a young girl from Nantucket…”
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Christina · May 24, 2007 at 8:13 am
This is fucking brilliant. Your best post. Period.
By the way, why do you require an email to comment, knowing fully well that most people type in bullshait anyway?
Cliff · May 24, 2007 at 8:17 am
As you rightly say,
you can sum it up like this:
haikus are for cunts.
Dr_Clip · May 24, 2007 at 8:24 am
There was an old angry man.
He incessantly ranted.
“and another thing that makes me livid”.
He sat back down on his park bench. Silence.
Dr_Clip · May 24, 2007 at 8:35 am
An ode to Angry me old mucker
You are truly an old livid fucker
But maybe one day
You will proclaim you are gay
and be a happy sucker
brom · May 24, 2007 at 9:35 am
Bravo!
Along with
There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for a dip in the lake
A man in a punt
Shoved his pole up her ear
And said you can’t swim here love, it’s private.
Haiku is poetry for those who can’t write poetry.
Like me, that’s why I only do instrumentals.
S Hamilton · May 24, 2007 at 9:49 am
Poets are up there with mimes and jugglers in my personal circles of hell.
If I could be arsed I would link to my blog article which had a nice pictorial representation, but I don’t like any of you enough to go out of my way.
If anyone wants a copy of the illustration, feel free to email
Dominic · May 24, 2007 at 9:58 am
An angry young man with a blog,
didn’t like the haiku with a frog.
He inevitably frowned
when a lack of rhyming he found,
and flushed the damn things down the bog!
Torsten Cool · May 24, 2007 at 9:58 am
Poetry is cunt. This is why I like rock music!
Mr.X · May 24, 2007 at 10:09 am
Yes, it’s crap.
Another excuse for the pretentious farts to try sounding intellectual as far as we can see.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · May 24, 2007 at 10:24 am
Christina – Hello and thanks. The email thing isn’t me, it’s an anti-spamming measure.
Cliff – Arghghghg!!
Dr Clip – Not a Haiku, or a limerick, or in fact a poem, probably.
Dr Clip (x2) – You should really check they scan before posting them
Brom – Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! (btw – us non-blogger folk can’t comment on your site)
S Hamilton – If you punch a mime does he bleed in silence?
Dominic – Not bad. Needs more swearing.
Torsten Cool – Hello. That is possibly the most terrific name I have ever heard.
Mr X – I think the rule is, if no-one understands you, say it is intellectual. Emperors new clothes and all that.
Eliza · May 24, 2007 at 10:48 am
There was a young queer from Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room
They argued all night as to who had the right
To do what and to which and to whom
my favourite
Dr_Clip · May 24, 2007 at 10:52 am
I tried “Happy faggot sucker” but that didnt work either. Maybe Haiku is my destiny.
Are you sure Haiku isnt a furniture range at Ikea? I’m sure I have a lovely modern table.
Angelalala · May 24, 2007 at 11:48 am
Haiku is fun when
you know clever words and then
remember how many syllables go in each line which is where I always go wrong.
M.C. Glammer · May 24, 2007 at 12:54 pm
Here’s a shite haiku
Posessive apostrophes
Make cunts of good men
me · May 24, 2007 at 2:38 pm
i like a man who can make good use of a syllabule
Sewmouse · May 24, 2007 at 2:39 pm
I thought it was a Man from Pawtucket?
At least the way I learned it was:
There was an old man from Pawtucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
But his daughter named Nan
Ran off with a man
And as for the bucket? Nantucket.
It is nominaly funnier if you are from Rhode Island.
Four Dinners · May 24, 2007 at 3:02 pm
There was an old man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Great tufts of grass shot out of his arse
and his cock was all covered with weeds
S’only one I know.
Jax is doin poetry for her ‘A’ level. It is so crap I fell asleep as she read me some.
Katy · May 24, 2007 at 3:21 pm
Yet people resort to it at all the times when they’re so messed-up they can’t articulate themselves, or won’t attempt to? Really that crap? What recent stuff have you read?
Dr_Clip · May 24, 2007 at 3:45 pm
Dear IamLivid.com
You really think your’e “da bomb”
So get those fingers a walking
And we’ll do the talking
Or I’ll publish that pic of your Mom
Katy Newton · May 24, 2007 at 3:53 pm
I’ve got one.
A simple pot of basil
by the window. I
tend it angrily.
Seventeen syllables, mofos. Count ‘em.
Dr_Clip · May 24, 2007 at 4:08 pm
A lazy brown fox.
Jumps over the fence.
Looking.
From the other side.
I got this down now kids. I got the letter A – Z in my Haiku too.
I’m the Haiku master.
Twisted Haiku master
Twisted. Twisted. Ouch.
BoyOnTop · May 24, 2007 at 4:57 pm
Strugling for something to be angry about today huh?
Katy Newton · May 24, 2007 at 5:00 pm
Booo, the numbers were all wrong. 5-7-5, people. Okay:
A pot of basil
Standing on the window ledge.
I am cross with it.
Yes. Better.
La Cubana Gringa · May 24, 2007 at 5:08 pm
One of my faves:
There once was an old man named Dave
Who kept an old whore in a cave
She was ugly as shit
and was missing a tit
But think of the money he saved.
Dr_Clip · May 24, 2007 at 5:11 pm
oh, I think I see.
How to pen a Haiku now.
It’s actually good fun.
Katy Newton · May 24, 2007 at 6:01 pm
I think from now on
I will communicate sole
-ly through the haiku.
An Unreliable Witness · May 24, 2007 at 7:34 pm
Haikus are for cunts
Tanka are where it’s now at
Sayeth the Witness
melanie · May 24, 2007 at 7:55 pm
A gentleman came up to me while I was cooking out at the beach, he wanted to warm himself by my fire. He proceeded to tell me about a stack of books he rescued from the middle of the road somewhere, they must have fallen off a truck. One of them was a book of limericks published in the early 1900’s.
Now there was some writing! all the penis and vagina references you could ever want! (not to mention the nefarious activities that include those organs.) We laughed out loud, and finished a bottle of wine.
yea. haiku’s are shit. Limericks ROCK!
Sam Cullum · May 24, 2007 at 9:45 pm
oo er misses
Scott · May 25, 2007 at 3:09 am
Poetry is for people who cant write songs too well.
Limericks are great, so long as you cant predict the ending after the second line.
The haiku however, is for cunts… no exceptions.
I have a Japanese friend, even she says they’re utter crap.
You just cant beat proper good lyrics in my book … lyrics that sound good when they’re sung and read well when they’re written down too.
quick · May 25, 2007 at 7:00 am
Still laughing at Katy Newton’s basil haiku.
Guess I’m a cunt then. Writing haiku can be fun, it’s not intellectual, it’s about discipline. It’s just a pointless way to amuse yourself. Like crossword puzzles. You could equally say that crosswords are for cunts… “Ooh look at you, chewing your pencil and gazing into the air while you try to think of three down seven letters starts with P. You think you’re soooo intellectual don’t you. Cunt.”
Hang on – that is what I think when I see someone doing a crossword.
I agree that the frog one sucks bum though.
Mr Farty · May 25, 2007 at 7:19 am
I only know one haiku. But it’s also a limerick.
There was a young man from Japan
Whose poetry never would scan
When told this was so
He replied “Yes, I know
But I always like to try and get as many words into the last line as I possibly can.”
Farty sees coat
Suspended from hook
Farty takes hint and goes.
Nickname · May 25, 2007 at 11:36 pm
The funniest blog and comments I have read forever.
Please make this a regular item.
johnny chaps · May 26, 2007 at 9:04 pm
You should read Simon Armitage-he’s a bloody good poet
Student of Life · May 28, 2007 at 11:56 pm
Here’s a look at how pathetic my life was the last few years I worked in television news. Just for kicks, we started Haiku Wednesdays, days in which all reporters started their stories out with a Haiku. It was an interesting little challenge that no one would have ever noticed sitting in their cozy chairs watching the news. It just made us feel clever and in some way not as bad about our shit jobs and pathetic lives. Poor us.
Nunhead Mum of One · May 29, 2007 at 1:51 pm
Here’s one that my friend’s 13 year old daughter wrote. She got an A+ for it. And they say that the education system is improving.
I have a vase
It’s empty now
I will go to the florists
and it will be full