People who are trying find a cure for cancer are obviously doing a good thing. It would save untold misery around the world if a cure could be developed, or preventative measures be found that stopped the disease occurring.

Which is why my eye was drawn to a story last week about a potential cause of cancer being discovered.

Just in case you were wondering, the synopsis of that article reads thusly. “Oral sex can give you cancer”. Now, is this not the most depressing thing you have ever read? Seriously?

I am going to assume that the papers author, Dr Gypsyamber D’Souza is a woman. I make this assumption because you and I know full well that if a man had made this discovery, then after a couple of seconds of deep turmoil and fear for his fellow man, the findings would have been buried for ever, and all research stopped immediately.

“Yes Professor, I know it’s an abrupt end to my research programme, but the evidence is clear, blow jobs are safe. No, I don’t mean safe, I mean good, very very good for you. Yes”.

God must be having a right giggle at us. “I told you smoking would give you cancer, yet still you persist with that filthy habit. Well, let’s see how you like having to give THIS one up…”. He is a vengeful God all right.

This story is going to lead to a lot of difficult conversations up and down the country. It is hard enough convincing a partner to nosh you off several times a day without giving her a legitimate excuse.

“You’ve got what in your mouth? Nah. It’s probably just an ulcer. Now get back down there…”

In fact, if I was a doctor, I would release a story linking oral sex to the elimination of wrinkles and cellulite. I would make it like feeding time at the zoo out there.

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