I have a theory about friends.

I have always been fortunate to have lots of them, even though I know for a fact that some of them only hang around with me because I am such good company.

However, over the years I have noticed that it’s actually impossible to maintain a large number of close friendships. Our lifestyles have changed so much that work leaves less time for friendships, and invariably people drop off your radar and before you know it, it’s been a year since you spoke to them. If that’s the case they’re probably not a good friend anyway.

So, my theory is that you can’t have more than 6 close, and independent, friends at any one time. The independent bit is important, as if those friends are also friends independent of yourself, then it’s easier to manage a greater number, as you can all see each other at the same time.

However, any more than 6, and you start spending less and less time with them.

I have decided to introduce a league based system for my friends, in the run up to the Summer, so that I can ration the amount of time I spend with the unworthy ones. Each league has just six people in it.

The Premiership
The core of your best friends. These are the people you called, whe…you would call if you needed help disposing of a body. In all likelihood, if ever I were to get married, the Best Man would be in here.

The Championship
They would think twice about giving you a false alibi. Someone you can have decent chat with in the pub, but wouldn’t necessarily go there just to meet them and them alone.

Leagues 1&2
The casuals. They’d probably step in if you found yourself outnumbered in a fist fight, but would be likely to tell you off afterwards for being so irresponsible. They probably get invites to your parties, and you’re likely to know them through ‘work’, ’school’ or ‘Uni’.

The Conference
It’s an almost nailed on certainty that these people think of themselves as your best friends, when in reality, you just about tolerate having them in your social circle. A couple of times a year is more than enough, and you’re probably grateful they don’t live any closer. This may or may not include people off of the Internet that you’ve met.

Sunday Leagues
People you’re either trying to get rid of, or have lost touch with in some way shape or form.

Now, like all good league structures there are promotions and there are relegations. One thing that doesn’t happen is the league doesn’t get expanded. The number of participants is fixed. If you happen to meet someone that you get on with, great, but you must then decide who gets relegated from the appropriate division.

This is my roundabout way of saying, Fat Jim, welcome to the Conference.

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