This week saw the four year anniversary of the “end of hostilities in Iraq” (Dubbya’s words, not mine). Obviously this was a bit premature, as The War Against Terror has continued unabated ever since. The best part about The War Against Terror is that it provides possibly the greatest acronym for a military campaign since the little known Charge Uniting New Turkmenistan.

Of course, a great acronym does not a great military campaign make. Just ask the people of Turkmenistan.

Dubbya has successfully managed to extract political capital from a sustained, expensive (both in terms of lives lost, and money), and so far not very successful war. On an emotion.

I know what you are thinking, it is not a war against an emotion you stupid fuck, it is a war against the people and things that cause that emotion. Well OK, if that is true, why is George W Bush not bombing the Oblivion ride at Alton Towers, because I can tell you now that the lady who sat in front of me was completely terrified. Pant-wettingly so.

My friend Amy has a crippling fear of snakes, which I no longer use for practical jokes since she threatened me with knife, yet once again I see no moves to rid the planet of these terror causing reptiles. If you offered Amy the choice of getting ride of snakes or Al Qaeda, I guarantee she would not rid the earth of Osama and his boys. In fact, if you were inclined to do the analysis, which I am not, I am sure that you would find that a much greater proportion of snakes cause terror, than say, Arabs.

The war on Terror is one you simply cannot win. I can almost picture a celebratory event once Al Qaeda is finally vanquished, not dissimilar to the announcement of the ‘end of hostilities in Iraq’, with George W Bush addressing the crowd.

“This is the end of terror everywhere, for good!” he will announce Presidentially from his podium.

“Actually, I’m still quite scared of spiders”, a small voice from several rows back will chime in.

“And I don’t like sleeping in the dark much, I get the night terrors you see”, a retarded redneck will add.

“I am terrified of monkeys, the little hairy people-like fuckers!” a cheerleader will shout (yes I am running out of American stereotypes).

Anyway, the point is you can not win TWAT. It can not be done, but if you had the chance to fight one battle against a terror causing foe, what would it be?

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