Fat Jim and I could argue about anything, and I really do mean anything.

“Yeah, well, my mate Gay Pete took two weeks off school just so he could go and have a load of wanks in the woods.” said Fat Jim proudly.

Fat Jim and I were sat in the pub debating about who had the weirdest mates from ‘back home’ and during our school days. He had clearly just raised the ante.

“Well, my mate Mad Mike used to shit himself on demand when he got bored in class. He once did it twice in a single day.” I retort, basking in the glory of my Comprehensive School education.

“Gay Pete now claims to have bummed someone at every stop of the Northern Line.”

I wrack my brains, but I simply do not know anyone who has bummed people at a large enough number of Tube stations to even attempt a further raise to the stakes. My circle of friends are clearly all boring, sexually-repressed idiots.

“That is very nice Fat Jim. Unfortunately, I have absolutely no idea what Mad Mike is up to now, but I sincerely hope he is sat in some dull staff meeting somewhere, trying to force out an arse-baguette in order to liven up the proceedings.”

It is strange arguing with someone as to who had the weirdest, most unconventional background. I really should have spent less time playing sports as a youth, and more time with the weirdos at school, then maybe I would have won the pint that was resting on this bet.

Next week we are going to see who has had the weirdest girlfriends, and I think I will be getting my pint back.

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