Bodily functions are nothing to be ashamed of. Everyones body creates sights, sounds and smells that we would rather it didn’t, especially at times that can be more than inconvenient. That is just the way it is, we deal with it.
What separates us from the shit-encrusted animals however, is our ability, and willingness, to mask these functions and pretend like they are not there. From the girlfriend that swore blind that she never farted, to the receptionist at work who clearly bathes in perfume, yet insists is just her ‘natural smell’. Everyone does something to cover up these natural emissions. Well, almost everyone.
There is something to be said for the person who can shun social convention and truly accept their body for what it actually is, and what it does. I almost have a begrudging respect for such people. Almost.
Unless of course they are sat next to you on a two and half hour train journey on one of the hottest days of the year so far.
It is obviously a bad sign if you can smell someone before you can see of hear them. Obviously they would make a rubbish spy, or hunter, and would probably starve in the wild as their stench would prevent them from sneaking up on delicious animals to eat.
The smell wafted its way down the carriage to us, and induced a further wave of nausea to compliment the raft of those experienced earlier that day after a long weekend of near-incessant drinking.
Now, I have a mental picture of what a sufferer of Body Odour looks like. You probably do to, right? There will be a definite view of the age, sex, weight and probably dress sense of the individual concerned.
This mental picture meant that I did not expect the owner of this stench to be a young skinny teenage boy with bright ginger hair and no shirt on. Do not get me wrong, it was a hot day, but wandering around a train, shirtless, with a carrier bag full of cheap lager is not considered usual public transport etiquette. Or maybe it is? This is why I drive everywhere.
As he sat down across the aisle from me an attractive young lady two rows up clearly caught a whiff of the carriages newest occupant and looked up in our general direction. As our eyes met, her expression suggested that she thought it was me who was smelly. But I am not smelly! I will admit that the weekend had taken its toll, and I do not shave the weekend anyway, so I did not look my best, but I still did not look like a smelly person.
The human face is great at conveying an array of feelings and emotions, from love, to fear, to loathing, to intimate ‘knowing’ looks. But there is nothing your face can do that says, “It is not me that smells, it is the skinny ginger kid next to me who is getting off his tits on cheap lager.”
So I mouthed, “It’s not me!” and pointed at the ginger offender. I am not sure if she understood, which is frankly disgraceful. There are a lot of deaf people in this country and for her to be so ignorant of lip reading, one of their main life skills, was frankly appalling. She collected her bags and moved to another carriage.
I continued to read the Sunday papers and cursed the mid-pubescent copper-top for ruining another potential chance for me to have sex on a train. With someone else.
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billyboy · April 20, 2007 at 8:07 am
Good points well made.
There is an old adage that the French smell and don’t wash etc.
But, I have to say that on my trips back to the UK, I encounter more scruffy, yobbish, repulsive smelling herberts there than anywhere else in Europe.
The BO thing is not just limited to scroates and ne’r do wells. A few weeks ago I was standing next to a very attractive young lady in Waitrose in Sunnigdale – not a million miles away from you MrA. She emitted a distinct feminine odour, that I can only describe as how I would imagine a Grimsby trawler toilet door made out of kipper boxes would smell. Funnily enough she was buying some anchovies.
marycub · April 20, 2007 at 8:39 am
At least you can escape to a nice office while you’re at work. I on the other hand have to put up with said smelly people because i work in a shop. So not only do i have to serve them i also have to be nice and polite to them and pretend that they infact smell wonderful. The worst of it is, is that they leave their smell like a calling card behind in the shop once theyve gone!!
Oli · April 20, 2007 at 8:41 am
Another chance implies you had chances before and indeed a chance this time.
After commuting by train for 2 years though I well know the feeling of uncomfortableness on the train due to smoe random person. From the smellies to the person who had just been released from a mental institute I have seen tehm all. (He only ever talked to my ear and said how he was going to be a millionaire very soon, showing the judge who sent him to the institute etc)
Admin comment by Mr Angry · April 20, 2007 at 9:35 am
billyboy – but Waitrose is full of posh birds, particularly that one!
marycub – I worked in Iceland freezer centre as a teenager, so I know all about smelly customers…
Oli – I always have a chance, always….
sooz · April 20, 2007 at 9:47 am
Great! Not only does she think you smell, she now thinks you’re totally weird mouthing odd shapes when people look at you!
Public transport = vile smells and sharing warm breath with foul people! YUK!
S Hamilton · April 20, 2007 at 9:53 am
The French don’t wash and the women never shave their pits. But as this is a universal habit of the French you acclimitise to the whiff fairly early on.
Plus, who can smell them over the fetid stench of their foul food.
Mebbe this is why the spend so much time running away from people. They’re not actually cowards, merely well mannered and are trying to spare other countries from their smell.
Explains WWI and WWII.
GH · April 20, 2007 at 1:10 pm
Hmmm, with you commenting on BO and As A Dodo commenting on caffenated soap, I’m begining to think that this unseasonably warm weather recently is causing problems to the “we don’t wash during the winter” crowd.
And, yes, they do exist, you just can’t smell them duiring the winter ‘cos everyone has a cold.
Given that he was such a skinny runt, you should be carrying an emergency can of Lynx around to beat him to death with, before spraying yourself lightly and pulling said girl uncomplaining into the train toilets for a little “WahWah”.
GH.
Gnarlyswine · April 20, 2007 at 2:36 pm
I would hate to think the last thing I would experience as my carriage rolls down an embankment at 100 mph would be some semi naked ginger chavs sweaty pit.
Gnarlyswine · April 20, 2007 at 2:38 pm
Better than the sandwiches I suppose.
Kathryn · April 20, 2007 at 4:11 pm
This post reminded me at first of that book ‘Perfume’ from Patrick Suskind…
However, in the book redheads are the ones with the loveliest scent. But I don’t think they were sucking down crap lager on public transit shirtless…(plus they were girls).
Sam Cullum · April 20, 2007 at 4:28 pm
Try working in a secondary school – its full of hormonal teenagers who haven’t discovered deodorant yet! PE changing rooms can make you feel quite ill – sweaty bodies and stinky trainers – ugh!
Mr Farty · April 20, 2007 at 9:14 pm
I am not young, or ginger, and I do not drink cheap lager. Apart from that, I have been known to empty a large room by the power of smell alone. On cue.
The Real Mr Farty.
clarissa · April 21, 2007 at 5:28 am
One of my ex-colleagues smelled. So much so the company sent him to a Doctor. The doctor didn’t help. The bloke still stunk when he came back. He was protected from smelling himself due to a hairy growth coming out of his nose.
Ariel · April 22, 2007 at 1:56 pm
Urgh. I would however like to point out that some ginger people are very fragrant indeed, like me. Oh yes. Besides, I do not travel on trains topless. Ever.