I do not like dogs.
There, I said it. I do not understand the human races fascination with such stupid creatures. If lack of intelligence really was a sought after trait in a ‘best friend’, then Fat Jim would have more than two friends (I am not one of them).
The thing about stupid dogs is they do stupid things. Like jumping into the lake in the middle of Roundhay Park without thought to how they would get back out again. Which is precisely what a frankly massive dog did in front of us during a hangover-eliminating walk on Sunday afternoon.
Kersplash!!
As the giant dog splashed around in the water it soon became apparent that the water level was such that there was no way the dog was going to be able to climb out at its point of entry. And the owner, quite sensibly, was not going to go in and get it.
So he walked along the bank, with the dog following in the shallow water, sometimes swimming, sometimes paddling, towards one end of the lake where he could get out. The owner could not even throw the canine retard a life preserver, as the dog was so stupid it would probably try and catch it in its mouth rather than try and put it round its waist like research has suggested is the best way to wear it. In fact, I bet no dog has ever so much as glanced at a ‘Safety in the Water’ manual. Stupid animals.
The lake got dirtier and dirtier, and smellier and smellier, until finally the dog was able to drag itself out of the lake through a bank of fetid mud and sludge, looking not unlike Cujo’s down-on-his-luck sibling. It was stomach-wrenchingly foul.
Then there was the moment of panic where you realise that the most natural thing for that stupid dog to do next, is shake himself dry.
So I did what any self-preservation enthusiast would do. Moving more quickly than I have ever moved in my life, I jumped behind the nearest woman and watched as the dog began to spray foul smelling water and mud all over its owner and random passers by.
Oh how I laughed. Seriously, it was absolutely hilarious.
How could they not have seen it coming?
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19 comments
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Oli · April 19, 2007 at 8:40 am
Yous shallow minded fool. You should have stepped between the flying mud and the woman, gazing longingly into her eyes. Whereupon she would invite you back to her place to clean up and you could then shag her senseless.
If she was fit of course.
billyboy · April 19, 2007 at 9:21 am
A bit of a shaggy dog story this. But the way I see it you are on a par with the dog, the first par for a long time by all accounts, in that he shakes and you shake after wards.
By the fate of Karma and nature you are inextricably linked as you were both shaking in Roundhay park at the same time as a result of said dogs actions.
Woof
Is that tricky little 9 hole course still at Roundhay Park.
marycub · April 19, 2007 at 9:24 am
Admit it – you were jumped on by dog as a child? Or did he just sniff your crotch? I hate dogs that do that – never know what the etiquette is that situation.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · April 19, 2007 at 10:03 am
Oli – I refer you to your last 6 words.
billyboy – After Saturday night I’d had the shakes all morning to be fair. (yes, it is still there)
marycub – nothing like that, just don’t care for them much. Allergies do not help though.
marycub · April 19, 2007 at 11:05 am
Ick allergies – one of the main reasons i don’t like cats.
Fussy Bitch · April 19, 2007 at 12:22 pm
At least it was a real dog, not a rat on a lead like those silly yappy little things daft birds carry round in their handbags.
Gnarlyswine · April 19, 2007 at 3:24 pm
FB – That has inspired me – Im going to get a duffel bag , cut holes in it for legs and carry my dalmation round in it
Admin comment by Mr Angry · April 19, 2007 at 4:35 pm
marycub – Cats are the devils minions. Of this I am 100% sure.
Fussy Bitch – I have seen those too http://www.iamlivid.com/2006/04/21/dog-bag/
Gnarlyswine – Hello. Now THAT is a proper Dog bag…
Anna · April 19, 2007 at 4:52 pm
Nothing like daft blokes then who rip off their shirts and jump in rivers as soon as the temperature rises above 22 degrees, and then after climbing out (if they don’t drown) run up and hug their long suffering girlfriend, covering her new summer dress in slime and dead frogs?
At least dogs don’t require applause.
Ldbug · April 19, 2007 at 5:06 pm
I have to say it, no one else has, dogs are MAN’S best friend. heh
Gnarlyswine · April 19, 2007 at 5:06 pm
Bingo (Doberman in a rucksack) although by walk I meant hold the handle – he has his own f****** legs. As suggested in the dog in a bag – with Christmas becoming a rapidly diminishing memory and no sign of another disney sequal, I can fill part of the bag with bricks and take mr puppy for a game of fetch by the local lake when he gets all grown up. He was my wifes idea anyway , I wanted a motorbike.
Some Catchy Chic · April 19, 2007 at 5:58 pm
My old dog pulled me out of a lake by my bathing suit because she thought I was drowning. At least dogs are good lifeguards.
HobbesChops · April 19, 2007 at 6:24 pm
Grrrrrrrrrrr,
Dear Mr the Angry you is make me indignant which makes me the more the clever then you human friend.
Who was in space first the human or the dogs !
Who is get to the North Pole first the human or the dogs ? And they is pull the lazy blighters all the way there.
Mr Angry you is just the cross as you is allergic and is make you cry whenever I is see you at the pub !
Love the Hobbes of http://www.Hobbeschops.com fame
woof ! woof !
Will · April 19, 2007 at 6:48 pm
Everyone loves babies too, and they’re stupid. Stupid babies.
Will · April 19, 2007 at 6:48 pm
Apologies for sounding like Cho Seung-hui in the above comment.
Will · April 19, 2007 at 6:49 pm
Apologies for the tasteless joke in the above comment.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · April 19, 2007 at 7:44 pm
Some Catchy Chic – My point exactly, the stupid animal ruined your swim. If that was a lifeguard you would think he was retarded.
Hobbes a the Choppes – Is is apology. Actually there are two exceptions, yourself and Murph. Please do not slaver all over me next time I see your papa in the pub, it is very gross.
Will – Do not worry, tasteless jokes are encouraged here. It is the current affairs ones people will not get. Oh…
Murph · April 20, 2007 at 7:01 am
I used to have my own blog but have gone back to Incessant Pointless Barking.
Jon Allen · April 24, 2007 at 1:45 pm
Come to Korea, where it’s OK to eat the creatures!