I do not like dogs.

There, I said it. I do not understand the human races fascination with such stupid creatures. If lack of intelligence really was a sought after trait in a ‘best friend’, then Fat Jim would have more than two friends (I am not one of them).

The thing about stupid dogs is they do stupid things. Like jumping into the lake in the middle of Roundhay Park without thought to how they would get back out again. Which is precisely what a frankly massive dog did in front of us during a hangover-eliminating walk on Sunday afternoon.

Kersplash!!

As the giant dog splashed around in the water it soon became apparent that the water level was such that there was no way the dog was going to be able to climb out at its point of entry. And the owner, quite sensibly, was not going to go in and get it.

So he walked along the bank, with the dog following in the shallow water, sometimes swimming, sometimes paddling, towards one end of the lake where he could get out. The owner could not even throw the canine retard a life preserver, as the dog was so stupid it would probably try and catch it in its mouth rather than try and put it round its waist like research has suggested is the best way to wear it. In fact, I bet no dog has ever so much as glanced at a ‘Safety in the Water’ manual. Stupid animals.

The lake got dirtier and dirtier, and smellier and smellier, until finally the dog was able to drag itself out of the lake through a bank of fetid mud and sludge, looking not unlike Cujo’s down-on-his-luck sibling. It was stomach-wrenchingly foul.

Then there was the moment of panic where you realise that the most natural thing for that stupid dog to do next, is shake himself dry.

So I did what any self-preservation enthusiast would do. Moving more quickly than I have ever moved in my life, I jumped behind the nearest woman and watched as the dog began to spray foul smelling water and mud all over its owner and random passers by.

Oh how I laughed. Seriously, it was absolutely hilarious.

How could they not have seen it coming?

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