…box of chocolates.

I have believed for many years that this is worst analogy ever uttered by man. A retarded man, admittedly, but a man nonetheless.

“You never know what you’re gonna get”? Actually no, that is utter bollocks. I know exactly what I am going to get. There is a clear label with helpful illustrations inside the box which makes it incredibly easy to leave the shitty nut-based ones for someone else. If you buy a box of chocolates that doesn’t have this helpful guide, then more fool you.

Of course, my view of this analogy as the worst one ever changed when I attended meeting with our new head honcho last week. This was a meeting where he outlined his vision for the new sales process within our company.

“Selling is just like going out on the pull.”, he started, leaving most of the room desperately wondering how getting horrendously pissed and buying under-the-counter Rohypnol was going to secure multi-million pound IT contracts.

“You have to go out and get the bird, she is not going to come to you, and sitting at home on the Internet responding to lonely hearts adverts isn’t going to get you any blow-jobs!”.

I think it is fair to say that at this point I was beginning to warm to him. Anyone who can use the term blow-job in a motivational presentation is OK by me. Of course, I had no idea what I was being motivated to do at this point, but it was definitely working.

“Just like all of you here, this company has it’s ideal type of woman. She is beautiful, blond and with big tits.” he continued, to the now completely enthralled crowd.

“Let me be clear, from this point onwards, this company no longer fucks midgets!” he finished with a flourish. I stifled the urge to heckle him with an “Oh! Booooo!” or to point out that a lot of people, like my mate Dan, find the ‘little people’ fascinating in a wholly inappropriate way.

Honestly, I cannot wait until the next company night out so we can test his theory.

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