A bottled beer known as “Rubbel Sexy Lager” (I am not making that up) has been banned from sale in the UK. This is because the lager comes in bottles which have a label with a naked lady under a ’scratch-off-able’ bikini.

Apparently, this banning of the most brilliantly named beer ever to grace these shores, is due to an advertising law which states that you cannot link alcohol to sexual success in your sales messages, ever.

This is, in a word, madness. Utter, chicken-suit wearing, window-licking madness. In the last few hours I have watched television advertisements where deodorant has been linked to sexual success, where cars have been linked to sexual success, and even one where yogurt was ever-so subtly linked to sexual success.

Yet despite all of this sexual innuendo thrusting itself at me from my television screen, the one product that can arguably guarantee you sexual success – if you can get the other party to drink enough of it – cannot, by law, be linked to helping you get a shag.

Somewhere, somehow, everything has been fucked up.

The authorities have clearly got their priorities all wrong. They should be out there investigating the instances of grown men buying Renault Clio’s, and then not being instantly fellated by a gorgeous French women whilst on their inaugural country drive. Or cases of professional adult males who are not, as suggested, running for their lives from scantily clad Amazonian goddesses armed with an air guitar and wah-wah pedal, but in fact, merely smell like every other fourteen year-old Chav that also smothers them self in Lynx.

Surely they can not justify this move on the basis of public health? It is not as if the Belgian Sexy Lager is going to make you ‘binge drink’. I mean, curiosity might make you buy one, just to see how good her tits are and stuff. But once you have seen them, are you really going to buy another twenty bottles? If they want that to happen they are going to have to add a bit of intrigue, and maybe introduce a picture-based storyline like they do in the Sun.

It is time for the consumer to make a stand, and I ask each of you to play your part. So, when you head of to the pub this evening to begin the weekend, be sure to include a request for Rubbel Sexy Lager in your round.

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