Local Councils are tasked with many activities to improve the lives of local residents. However, my experience of my local council is not very positive.

Firstly, they threatened to take me to court when they lost, not one, but two direct debits for my council tax payments. And secondly when I complained to them that a local store at the rear of my previous flat had installed the worlds first air-conditioning unit-stroke-amplifier. They had the ability to keep milk chilled for days with the added benefit of providing 24×7 ambient buzzing for the square mile surrounding the store. Which is great, if you really like buzzing.

That second time they suggested I keep a ‘noise-diary’, but as anyone who has read this website could testify, I am crap at keeping a diary. Less Anne Frank, than Frank Skinner.

So I have come up with an idea that will allow them to redeem themselves, and, for the second time in a week, I have written a letter.

Dear Planning Department.

Hello! I am a resident in your fine Royal Borough, and to date have not seen much value for my council tax. I know we get free entry to the Castle, but let’s be honest, that novelty wears very thin after about half a visit.

Unfortunately the big Castle in the centre of town attracts many many tourists during the year, and I though I appreciate the fact that this is good for local businesses, the fact remains that I do not own a local business, so it does not benefit me.

Do not worry though, I have come up with a plan which will allow you to redress the balance in the favour of us normal residents.

I have taken inspiration from the Bus Lane on the M4 into London, which is frankly a pain in the arse unless you drive a bus or a taxi, and the only reason it is so unpopular is because so few buses or taxi’s use it. There are however a LOT of residents in Windsor who would use a Resident Lane in the main shopping thoroughfare.

A simple lane down the middle of the street, a couple of meters wide, and accessible only to residents would allow us local folk to get about our business during peak tourist time without the need to follow people constantly stopping to look upwards, pointing, and taking photographs. They are a pain in the arse.

There is no need for security cameras, as I am sure, like all the best ideas, it would be self-policing. I personally would be happy to push whomever out of the lane if I suspected them of not being a resident.

I am sure you will agree this is a sure-fire vote winner. If you need me to speak at any public events announcing the plans, please do not hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,

Mr. Angry

Once again, I shall let you all know how I get on.

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