Everyone likes to have a clean car.

It is like walking round in a new suit. You feel more confident, women are more likely to have sex with you, and the world is a happier place.

Which is why I took my car to the local car wash, because after not driving it for three weeks, it was a little bit dirty. I should point out however, that the local car wash is actually a team of foreign blokes who clean cars in a car park near the town centre. You park up, wander round the shops, come back thirty minutes later, and ta-da! You have a clean car! All for six English pounds.

“Hello, I’d like my car cleaned please.”

“OK, inside and out?”

“Just the outside thank you.”

He took one look at my car and stopped.

“Ah”

“Ah?” I asked.

“It is very dirty”

“Well, yes. I wouldn’t bring a clean car to be washed would I?”

“But it is covered in bird shit.” he said pointing at the generous smattering of bird shit that covered my car.

He was technically correct. Before I went snowboarding the last parking space available where I live happened to be under a tree, so there my car went. Then I couldn’t drive for two weeks so it has spent over three weeks parked under a tree where it would appear the local birds spend their days eating figs and left over Indian food whilst drinking Turbolax.

“Well, yes, there is a bit of bird shit, that’s why I brought it here.” I said pointing at a bit of the car that wasn’t covered in bird shit.

“That will be very difficult to clean.”

“Again, if it was easy to clean I would not bring it here, I would do it myself.”

“But it has too much bird shit.”

“How much bird shit is too much bird shit?! How much bird shit do I need to remove from my car in order for there to be just enough bird shit so that you would consider cleaning it?”

“Well, I…err….”

“There is a good tip in it for you.”

“OK Sir, see you in 30 minutes.”

Upon my return I was sorely tempted to hand him a note saying, “Don’t stand up in a rubber dinghy!”, but I didn’t, and I don’t care what you say, two English pounds is a very generous tip.