I sometimes find myself humming a tune as I go about my day-to-day business. Perhaps I’ll let out a lyric or two. Every now and then I will even put on my iPod and listen to some proper music, but, not since the days of the 80’s ghetto-blaster have I carried music around with me in a system that everyone can hear.

Which is why I have some sympathy with the trend for today’s discerning chav to use his mobile phone as the worst ghetto-blaster ever invented.

I have heard people say small is beautiful, well, apart from Kylie Minogue, that is frankly bollocks. Nothing the size of a deck of cards is ever going to make a sound good enough to be heard by more than one person. Yet still they persist in playing their tinny, bassless techno-tunes in public spaces.

Due to my shoulder injury I have had to use the Bus more than I normally do (which is not at al, in normal circumstances), and one morning this week, a chromasomely challenged youth was using his phone as a stereo. I will admit to thinking it was just a really long ring-tone at first. In fact, I almost shouted, “Answer the fucking thing will you!”, until I noticed his nodding head along with the ‘beat’.

I learnt a few things in the next couple of minutes. For example, I can tell you now, from experience, that they do not like it when you dance to their music.

Also, phrases such as, “This has got a great beat!” and “Mash it up rude boy!” are frowned upon.

If one thing is guaranteed to make a chav re-evaluate his use of a mobile phone as a stereo, it is having a man in a suit and a sling dancing badly, right next to him on the bus.

I knew that one day all those years of watching my Dad and Uncles dancing at family get-togethers would pay off. I did not realise that this day would be it.

You can try to sing along if you recognise the song, or simply dance right next to them, do whatever takes your fancy. Just do not ignore it.

My record now stands at getting them to turn it off in less than twenty seconds. Can you beat that?

No tags