The baboon is an animal that is well known to all adolescent school children. This is because it attracts a mate by baring its bright red arse. When you are fourteen that is a funny thing. In fact, when you are twenty-twelve it is still a fucking hilarious thing.
Honestly, bared-arse gags do not get old. Ever.
At some point in the history of evolution, primates decided to change their pulling techniques from bright red arses to chat-up lines, witty conversation and alcohol. This switch from showing your arse might have been due to the inclement weather, or maybe because some clever monkey invented knickers. I do not know.
What I do know, is that for tens of thousands of years, man has not relied on baring his arse in order to attract a mate. Unless pissed.
Which is why I am am confused by this apparent return to practises unseen for millenia.
It appears to have become fashionable to wear your pants below your arse. This seems like a step backwards to me, and perhaps a sign that traditional pulling techniques really are dead?
Jeans are not designed to be worn below the arse, they have a waist, designed to go around the bit above the arse, with a belt and that. I recognise that I am not that trendy any more, and a career in fashion is unlikely to beckon, but I fail to see the attraction in wearing a pair of jeans in a way that prevents you walking up stairs?
I can only assume this is mother natures way of reversing evolution, and that this is the first step on our journey back to the swamp. Perhaps it is now only a matter of time before our IQ’s drastically diminish and we abandon all recognised social conventions.
I shudder when I think that Jade Goody really could be a vision of the future.
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24 comments
<< Priorities
Oli · March 28, 2007 at 7:44 am
Unfortunately due to ‘budget 2007′ chavs can no longer afford belts on the dole, not after spending it all on white lightning and burberry at any rate.
GH · March 28, 2007 at 7:46 am
Relax mate. If Jade is the way of the future, we’ll all be too dead to notice. Mostly cause we’ll go into the dentist for a filling and come round from the anaethetic to a grinning monkey face telling you that they’ve replaced your heart with a baked potato cause they couldn’t find your teeth.
GH.
“Is it cos I’m fick?”
“Yes, and you’re f’cking ugly too!”
billyboy · March 28, 2007 at 8:35 am
Angry I thought jade goody was a baboon. innit like.
But, I regret to say that I believe you are showing the first signs of middle age, dear boy
What you are saying is “That when you were a boy people wore proper duds and trouser round their waists”
TJ · March 28, 2007 at 8:42 am
Is this why the knife culture has flared up with the yoofs of today because they are on their way back in time to wielding axes?
I’m just grateful that loo roll has been invented if men are going back to exposing arses!
S Hamilton · March 28, 2007 at 8:54 am
“Perhaps it is now only a matter of time before our IQ’s drastically diminish and we abandon all recognised social conventions.”
Um, have you been outside lately?
Betty · March 28, 2007 at 8:59 am
Is this anti-chav week?
Admin comment by Mr Angry · March 28, 2007 at 8:59 am
Oli – There is nothing wrong with White Lightening. I started many a student night out with a couple of litres of that fine beverage.
GH – I sincerely hope she isn’t, yet genuinely fear she might be…
billyboy – Boooooo! I am young and hip!!
TJ – That is probably right, but do not forget that female baboons bare their arses too.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · March 28, 2007 at 9:01 am
S Hamilton – Hmmmm, that is a good point.
Betty – I have been house bound for nearly two weeks, so have been taking a closer interest on what goes on around here. So, err, yes, chav week it is.
Mrs F · March 28, 2007 at 9:07 am
Whenever I see a young guy with his jeans below his bottom I have an overwhelming urge to rush over and pull them up, then spit on my finger and flatten his hair down! Never mind turning into your mother, I will just morph into Catherine Tate’s foul mouthed Gran.
But really, don’t they realise how fucking stupid they look (said she who in the eighties used to backcomb her hair and wear pixie boots!)
Equine Pimp · March 28, 2007 at 9:38 am
You’ve been housebound for two weeks and your viewing matter of choice is teenage boys with their hands down their pants and showing off their pants???
Other than to highlight that fact, I have nothing further to say.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · March 28, 2007 at 9:51 am
Mrs F – You should do that. It would be funny. If a little dangerous.
EP – Shit! I am now thinking about changing what I had planned for Fridays installment of Chav-Week.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · March 28, 2007 at 9:59 am
All – I have been interviewed!!
He has interviewed other famous people like Jeffrey Archer, Richard Herring and Andrew Collins (plus JonnyB), but now I have been ‘done’ too.
You can read it here.
Mrs F · March 28, 2007 at 10:32 am
Ohhh Mr A!! Aren’t you a little young to have been ‘done’?
Good interview tho, just the right amount of piss taking, and yeah i must admit i do like it when you are the butt of the jokes. Tis funny.
Steve Merchant, very funny accent and face for that matter. Makes me laugh just looking at his expression. Congrats on being deemed interesting and funny enough to be interviewed. Is a book deal the next step?
clarissa · March 28, 2007 at 10:55 am
We had one of these ‘kidcumapes’ stay with us for a while. What got me was the time and attention spent on getting the trousers to the perfect altitude, then fastening them with a massive spikey belt, which coincidentally destroyed two of our dining room chairs.
Equine Pimp · March 28, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Top interview. Much better use of your time.
What is Fridays topic then?
Megan · March 28, 2007 at 1:08 pm
Are you only now getting southerly drifting trousers? Over here we’ve had ‘em for over a decade. I hadn’t thought of your baboon theory, but it makes sense of something I saw a while back – young man in cafe line in front of me doing an elaborate equator adjustment probably inspired by the mob of girls behind me. Unfortunately his last tug was a little too aggressive and ended up taking trousers and everything else nearly to his knees. Now that takes going on the pull just a little too far.
Oli · March 28, 2007 at 1:50 pm
Bah I tried to do an anti chav week, it didnt take off though =(
Haydn · March 28, 2007 at 2:14 pm
Best evenings entertainment I ever had was sitting my father down with a pint and mentioning twisted to fit jeans…..
BoyOnTop · March 28, 2007 at 3:44 pm
Given I have no problem I admit I’m middle aged (twenty-twelve… sheesh…) I think this is an absolutely disgraceful sign of the moral degeneracy of today’s youth. There aught to be a law…
Dr_Clip · March 28, 2007 at 6:04 pm
I am currently sitting in Glasgow airport, I am afraid that the gene reversal process is already well underway in these parts.
The Doctor.
Ldbug · March 28, 2007 at 7:30 pm
Well really, it all makes sense when you take into consideration the whole global warming issue. The world gets too cold, monkey’s pull up pants, the world gets too warm..
Badger · March 28, 2007 at 11:43 pm
Angry – Don’t worry, it’s just a new fasion trend, not dissimilar to personal injury claims and the Boer War.
Like the time I shot Thatcher, it will all blow over.
B.
Liam · March 29, 2007 at 6:48 am
I also feel the urge to pull them up. I remember one day, I couldn’t help myself and shouted “Pull your jeans up for Christ’s sake!” Not sure if he heard me or not but sure enough, he tugged at the waistband of his jeans…and pulled them UP to just at the bottom of his ass. The worst part is, these people wear belts. Belts to keep them BELOW their arses. I don’t know about down there though, but here (Newcastle) it’s only the rich/trendy kids doing it, and annoyingly emaciated clone skater kids.
The Editor · March 30, 2007 at 9:34 pm
It’s all about concealed ovulation, the baboon’s red arse is the come-on signal to males for procreative sex. Whereas women don’t even know when they’re ovulating themselves that’s why people bonk all the time just to make sure, and men will go for anything ‘in a skirt’ with or without a red arse.