(continued from yesterday)
The cable car ride down the mountain was uneventful, apart from the strange glances from French people who looked at me like they had never seen such a handsome man ashen-faced with pain. Maybe I was whimpering, I can not be sure, not without CCTV playback which the lazy French have yet to install on all cable cars (to provide tourists with mementos of their visits and the like).
At the bottom, I was greeted by an ambulance. This surprised me. I was sure there were people out there who needed an ambulance more than me, even some French people, but it would have been churlish to pass up a free lift after they had gone to the trouble of arranging it, so I allowed myself to be helped into the van.
Approximately one hundred and fifty yards later, the ambulance pulled up at the Val D’Isere Medical Centre. It is a distinct possibility that it simply crossed the street.
I was helped into the Medical Centre and was immediately seated by a pretty French nurse who proceeded to help me off with my jacket and my snowboard boots. I made a mental note to leave an extra pair of pants at home next year and pack odour eaters instead.
Then I remembered that she was French, and so quite used to body odours. I had showered that morning, so I was probably the freshest man she had ever encountered. This explained why she then took my t-shirt and thermal top off. Just so she could smell me better.
Of course, she then went the through the charade of taking some x-rays of my shoulder in order to justify getting me naked from the waist up, but I know she just wanted to breath me in and check out the guns. Or rather, the gun. My injured arm was looking pretty feeble.
Still topless, I was taken to a bed and asked to wait until the Doctor could see me.
“Sumfeeng for yur pain?” she asked, cutely.
“Oh no, I am fine, honestly. It is nothing. Just a bump” I replied wincing puffy-chestedly.
She wandered off, but it was only thirty seconds or so I before I shifted position, yelped in pain and instantly realised how rude I had been to refuse her offer of pain killers. “Hello? Hello! I’ll take those painkillers now please! The big ones!”, I called out to her, until she returned bearing drugs.
She gave me a couple of pills that began with a ‘T’ and the next hour or so was a bit of a blur. I do, however, vaguely remember paying about €550 in fees to get my snowboard back. That ambulance proved to be the most expensive 150 yard journey I have ever taken.
Thus ended my snowboarding adventures for another year.
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19 comments
<< Manners
Jimmy Page's Trousers · March 21, 2007 at 8:42 am
You see. This is why I don’t go in for these ‘extreme’ sports (or indeed any sports). You can keep your snowboarding, your base diving, your bear baiting and your golf. I’m far less likely to dislocate a shoulder sitting on the couch drinking beer (unless it’s from a vigorous fist-shaking when I chance upon Come Strictly Dancing On Ice Academy Factor).
Oli · March 21, 2007 at 9:12 am
You didnt take out medical insurance when going on a skiing holiday?
You are just lucky they didnt use the helicopter, I know someone who got nailed with a 2 grand bill after he was picked up off a mountain with a broken leg!
Celeste · March 21, 2007 at 9:53 am
I feel your pain. I dislocated my right wrist twice during my GCSE years. So painful. Plus we didn’t have a computer back then so I taught myself to write with my left hand.
My wrist still makes weird clicky sounds when it’s cold.
Alan · March 21, 2007 at 11:26 am
MMmmm but was it your wanking arm???? or worse still your drinking arm????
MooMoo · March 21, 2007 at 11:28 am
I’m excellent at bed baths actually. I like to think I offer a very personal service.
I have the uniform too if that helps….???
MooMoo
GH · March 21, 2007 at 11:56 am
See Mr. A, those nurses are making you fake feeling better already.
MooMoo, if Mr. A doesn’t want to take up your services, I’m more than willing to stand in as his stunt double.
GH
Fat Jim · March 21, 2007 at 12:08 pm
I don’t have much to comment on today. Sometimes I am a genuinely nice, easy going guy.
I just wanted to say hello to all my gorgeous fans.
FJ
greavsie · March 21, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Did you tell the nurse that you were a world famous blogger?
She may have given you a bit more material to work with if you had.
AFC 30K · March 21, 2007 at 12:27 pm
Sorry to be serious but Oli has a serious point. On our honeymoon my wife was taken critically ill and spent a month in intensive care and then 2 more weeks in hspital in America. I wasn’t going to bother with insurance but the $122,000 bill may me glad we did.
So I can honestly say our honeymoon cost over $120,000.
The last thing you need if that were to happen is to worry about the insurance!
Sorry to be serious but it’s an issue quite close to my heart!
Anyway, glad you’re OK – so are you looking forward to some relaxing time off work phoning Richard & Judy?
Badger · March 21, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Puff.
B.
Fussy Bitch · March 21, 2007 at 12:55 pm
A limo would have been cheaper than that ambulance (and may have had a better suspension)
Oh look, it’s James the larger!
*screams and faints*
BoyOnTop · March 21, 2007 at 1:09 pm
When I saw your “free” next to “abulance” in relation to “France” I was going to interject, but your punchline beat me to it.
We live in the EU, but all citizens are not equal.
billyboy · March 21, 2007 at 1:48 pm
You just can’t help being pie and mash and swinging for a bit of extra vehicular transport when in dem der Alps can you Angry. Last time a taxi this time a skido and ambulance. The drugs were probably Topalgic, most real boarders take em for breakfast just in case! Great with a slurp of scotch.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · March 21, 2007 at 2:29 pm
All – I did have insurance, I am not stupid, but I didn’t have the details with me so I’m currently trying to claim it all back…
Peach · March 21, 2007 at 2:40 pm
How James Bond you are !
Mrs F · March 21, 2007 at 3:31 pm
Hello Mr A, so glad you are back, those guest bloggers were rubbish!! (Actually they were all rather funny and Mr F loved Fat Jim’s poo story).
Anyway….these guns you mentioned, are they like pathetic little toy ones or are we talking BIG guns? Also, have you tried doing a one arm press up?
Hello Fat Jim, hope Tesco has not been intentionally moving things to annoy you.
The Girl · March 21, 2007 at 10:27 pm
Rather embarrassingly, my ‘party trick’ involves the dislocation of my shoulder, and the swivelling of my arm and elbow under my chin. No, it’s not pretty, and yes, I look a twit.
I don’t however, get pain from it (not often, anyway) because I suffer from Joint Hypermobility – otherwise known as being ‘double-jointed’ – which means I can contort various things in various ways. And erm, enjoy doing it.
My physio tells me not to though and I am banned from doing Yoga or anything to make me *more* flexible. Still, I look funny and it’s all about making people laugh. I think.
Anyway, hope it heals pretty damn soon. Cold/hot packs seem to work well on dislocations, from what I hear…
eshop600 · March 22, 2007 at 7:19 am
To be a proper snowboarder you have to break a bodypart. Its the law.
Liberty · March 22, 2007 at 9:06 am
I’m so hot for you right now.
There’s nothing more attractive than a slightly bruised, vulnerable man – who has recently showered.