“Whoosh!” went the air against my face as I descended towards the (frankly massive) jump at something approximating terminal velocity.
“Whoosh!” went the air against my face as I ascended skywards.
“Karunk!” went my shoulder as it hit the piste where I had hoped to land my snowboard.
There are moments in life when you immediately know something is wrong. Like the fart that is a little bit wetter than you were expecting, or your entrance to the black tie do you had been guaranteed was really a toga party. But dislocating your shoulder tops them all. It is strange not being able to move your arm when it suddenly feels about a foot longer than it should be.
As I lay face down in the snow I could hear the chuckles from my friends at my little spill. They will take their fully functioning arms and all go to hell to burn for eternity, obviously.
“I think it’s popped out, can you check?” I asked of Quasifrodo.
“Hmm, there is a big gap where your shoulder should be. I’m no doctor, but it feels pretty minging.”
And so one of group was dispatched to fetch help.
In case you didn’t know, a shoulder dislocation hurts. A lot. You women and your childbirth know nothing about the excruciating pain I was experiencing. I would have happily passed a water-melon out of my imaginary vagina just to stop the pain when I shifted position.
Not that I grumbled. Oh no. Well, not apart from the odd, “Don’t fucking touch me you heavy handed cunt!” directed at my friends.
After about 10 minutes a Skidoo arrived with a mountain-based medical professional. “Parlez vous Francais?” he asked me.
“Un peu” I responded, using up twenty percent of my French vocabulary.
He felt my shoulder, or rather the gap where it had been just moments before, and then did his best to strap it up whilst I retreated quietly to my happy place (a deserted beach, a case of fine wine, and a naked Amanda Peet).
I was shaken back to reality as I was asked to ride pillion on the skidoo and my shoulder began to hurt again, in addition to the worrying amount of pins and needles I was experiencing all down my left arm.
“I have a worrying amount of pins of needles up and down my left arm” I said to him.
He nodded and smiled at me as if I had complimented him on what a smashing one-piece he was wearing.
We then accelerated down the mountain to the nearest cable car. Faster and faster, with even greater acceleration as we reached the end of the run I had been leaping down.
Then we hit a bump.
“Kathwunk!!” went my shoulder as it popped back into it’s original position, somewhat painfully.
“AIEEIEIGHAAH!! It has gone back in!!” I shouted over the engine noise.
Again he smiled and gave me the thumbs up as if I had complimented him on his excellent tan. We finally reached the cable car where I sat down and held my arm in the now ill-fitting sling (it had been fitted when my arm was about three inches longer than it now was).
(Continued tomorrow)
No tags
mark · March 20, 2007 at 8:23 am
You poor bastard! I’ve done it. I know the pain. Mine was inflicted on the rugby field. There is no happy place at the bottom of a ruck.
On the plus side you have a valid excuse to claim that she must go on top for a few weeks.
Fussy Bitch · March 20, 2007 at 8:35 am
This is precisely the reason I spend my holidays in hot places where all you can do is lie on a lounger and drink.
I did once drop my book on my toe though so I guess I can empathise a little.
Fiona · March 20, 2007 at 8:38 am
I agree with Mark, you poor sod! My right shoulder came out about 15 times; I used to faint with the pain, so, a strange sensation, but I feel a lot of sympathy for you. Just this once, mind.
Jimmy Page's Trousers · March 20, 2007 at 9:07 am
Pah! Mel Gibson use to pop his in and out all the time in Lethal Weapon. As this is my only reference point, I have to assume you’re just being a big girl about this shoulder thing.
MooMoo · March 20, 2007 at 9:40 am
I agree with JPG… you are a BIG GIRL.
I have done both (popped my shoulder out and given birth, although not at the same time) and believe me when I tell you your shoulder is a walk in the park….
;0)
Admin comment by Mr Angry · March 20, 2007 at 9:53 am
mark – I must find myself a ’she’ first of all….
Fussy Bitch – Your empathy is appreciated
Fiona – 15 times?!? Ouch indeed….
JPT – do not believe what you see in the movies, there is no way Mel Gibson could pull with that haircut.
MooMoo – Female propoganda at its very best…
S Hamilton · March 20, 2007 at 10:07 am
I’m afraid that any claims you may have to masculinity have now evaporated.
As an ex rugby player I fondly recall the days of dislocating knees and shoulder, only for the coach to run on, pop it back in, and tell you to “run / shake it off”.
Even now, my knee dislocates about once a year, and I just pop it back in myself, and walk it off.
Agree about childbirth, though. Who do they think they’re kidding? For thousands of years, women would be out working in the fields, squat down, pop it out, then carry on threshing, or whatever it is countryside folk do.
Twenty Major · March 20, 2007 at 10:08 am
heh, reminds me of the time I was involved in a bad car crash and fractured my arm in about 475 different places.
When the ambulance blokes arrived they were really great. Gently taking off my jacket to examine my arm, slowly and carefully putting it in a sling, helping me into the ambulance like you help an old lady out of a car and then the cunts took off at 100mph to the hospital, flying over speed bumps and screeching around corners which made my arm wobble all over the place and it really, really hurt.
Equine Pimp · March 20, 2007 at 10:37 am
Fancy a game of golf at the weekend?
Admin comment by Mr Angry · March 20, 2007 at 10:58 am
S Hamilton – I don’t believe you. Repeated dislocations yes (I have done my right shoulder several times), but the first dislocation – that isn’t partial – fucking kills.
Twenty – It was just like that, only on a motorbike built for mountains.
EP – Fuck off.
Badger · March 20, 2007 at 12:10 pm
I knew it! I knew all Southerners were pansies! What with your fluffy pillows and sandwiches that contain herbs. I’m a Northerner, you know. Once I fell from a plane straight into a sharks gullet, needing to chew my own way out and backstroke my partially dismembered body back to the shore…the long way. I was then mowed down by a fire engine and nibbled on by wolves and had the shit kicked out of me by Power Rangers. I went to a rave that very night.
Fuckin’ Southerners…
B.
Equine Pimp · March 20, 2007 at 12:12 pm
Who’s a tetchy little bastard?
greavsie · March 20, 2007 at 12:14 pm
I keep thinking of that Scottish rugby player who dislocated his pelvis/hip and then had it pop back squashing a testicle that had conveniently found a home where it shouldn’t have.
Good job you don’t have large testicles eh?
MooMoo · March 20, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Angry – I’m sure it really does hurt… anything I can do for you…. anything at all??
S Hamilton – I’d pay good money to see you ’squat down, pop out an 11lb baby, then carry on’ ;0)
enidd · March 20, 2007 at 12:16 pm
enidd has passed a watermelon through her imaginary vagina, and it didn’t hurt a bit. her real vagina, though, didn’t half sting.
billyboy · March 20, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Angry, You have my sympathy as I have a knee that keeps dislocating and my legs bends backwards. The kids think it highly amusing, but starngely enough I dont see the entertainment value.
However I have two questions that are bothering me about the whole thing.
1. Did you wash the duvet before your holiday and if so how did it turn out wuth the tennis balls and all.
2. Your happy place you mention. I get the drift on the sandy sunny beach and fine wine bit, but why a naked panda pet?
Equine Pimp · March 20, 2007 at 12:37 pm
Are there any lasting effects that mean you will have to pop it back in every so often?
Would be a great double act with my neck
TG · March 20, 2007 at 12:48 pm
“I retreated quietly to my happy place (a deserted beach, a case of fine wine, and a naked Amanda Peet).”
That must’ve been exactly how Jesus felt when they nailed him to that cross.
Léonie · March 20, 2007 at 12:51 pm
Oh poor you! You are clearly a very brave soldier! Etc!
(Is that right?)
GH · March 20, 2007 at 1:15 pm
Ah yes, there’s the moment when you know everything’s gone wrong.
The moment while you lie there wondering if everything works.
The moment when the word “no” arrives accompanied by a lot of pain.
Yup, been there, done that, way too many times. One day I’ll learn.
In the meantime think of fit nurses and phsyiotherapists and excellent painkillers. Between ‘em they’ll keep a smile on your face.
GH.
BoyOnTop · March 20, 2007 at 1:20 pm
Having experienced the same from falling off a horse, I can sympathise. I had to limp a couple of miles to get to a car that could take me to the hospital. Agony.
You could always, of course, not ski in the first place…
Equine Pimp · March 20, 2007 at 1:25 pm
Léonie – the more sceptical among us might think that your post has been instigated in some way by Angry in a desperate bid for more sympathy.
Angry – you are so transparent
Admin comment by Mr Angry · March 20, 2007 at 1:59 pm
Badger – It did not stop me drinking or partying…
EP – Me
greavsie – Well, they’re not big enough to get cuaght under my arm, if that’s what you meant?
MooMoo – How are you at bed-baths?
enidd – Who knew you could get stung by a watermelon.
Billyboy – it was my coat, and weight restricions meant I LEFT IT AT HOME!!
EP – Hopefully not…
TG – Jesus has great taste in women, clearly.
Léonie – that is exactly right. At last.
GH – I look forward to that but BUPA are conspiring against me at the moment.
BoT – Not snowboard? I would go mad in an office without some outside activity holidays to look forward to!
EP – I did not instigate it. She just happens to be a very kind and considerate woman (who also sings), and everyone should be more like her.
Léonie · March 20, 2007 at 2:39 pm
It was not instigated! I just happen to be a very kind and considerate woman (who also sings) and everyone should be more like me.
(Angry: You forgot to put the bit in about me being very, very alluring and also good at maths.)
Equine Pimp · March 20, 2007 at 3:27 pm
Blimey, we appeared to have stumbled on an Angry/Léonie love in.
I would say that you sound very alluring but Angry would only get the guns ready for me again.
Not wishing to be critical but I have just had a message from one of your fellow skiers.
“Angry (real name replaced to protect the guilty) dislocated his shoulder doing the smallest jump in the world”
Kaptain Kobold · March 20, 2007 at 4:15 pm
“In case you didn’t know, a shoulder dislocation hurts. A lot. You women and your childbirth know nothing about the excruciating pain I was experiencing.”
My shoulders have remained resolutely attached, due to an avoidance of such places as pistes and rugby pitches. However Mrs Kobold not only managed to dislocate hers, but broke it at the same time. Apparently it hurt quite a lot, but until now I’ve never wondered whether it hurt more than childbirth (which she’s done twice, to my certain knowledge). It’s a difficult comparison to make, of course, as she wasn’t doped up on the finest drugs the Midlesex maternity services could offer when she fell down the stairs and did her shoulder in.
TG · March 20, 2007 at 4:24 pm
I had a brilliant comment on Angry’s devotion to his readers, on strapping fireworks to my shoulder and on the sound of one comb going through my hair when no-one’s around to hear it. Then I went off on a tangent and solved Global Warming, Third World poverty and Paris Hilton in the postscriptum.
Then teh intrawebs ate my post.
Personally, I blame Al Gore.
La Cubana Gringa · March 20, 2007 at 4:32 pm
When the time comes for me to pass a watermelon out of my vagina…I’m just going to go ahead and redirect it out of my imaginary vagina. Sounds a lot less painful. Brilliant idea.
Ldbug · March 20, 2007 at 4:59 pm
Now maybe he was smiling b/c he knew his driving would jolt the shoulder back into place???
greavsie · March 20, 2007 at 7:50 pm
Have we finished with imaginary vaginas yet?
clarissa · March 20, 2007 at 9:30 pm
watermelons in vaginas …. hmmm …. maybe it’s not painful
Farty · March 20, 2007 at 9:31 pm
Ow, I know just how you felt there, I had a paper cut last week and it stung like buggery.
Well, not literally.
I guess.
Ldbug · March 21, 2007 at 6:00 am
PS your imput on the Brit Man post would be most welcome to all…
Ldbug · March 21, 2007 at 6:01 am
Uh, meaning the post I did on British men
Quasifrodo · March 21, 2007 at 9:35 pm
Jump – what fucking jump! I have seen elephants jump higher than Mr.Angry!!!