I rarely go to bed before midnight. I think it dates back to when, as a child, my parents used to make me go to bed early, though I suppose my rebellion phase should have finished by now.

Anyway, I was really quite tired on Monday evening so I was in bed shortly after 10pm, a ridiculous hour to go to sleep I am sure you’d agree, but it meant I would get up early to go for a run. It was not long before I drifted off the land of nod.

“THWADUNK!”

I shot up in bed to the sound of something collapsing downstairs. This was followed by some muttering and shuffling from my flatmate, who had clearly knocked something over. I could not be arsed getting out of bed so I let him sort it out and tried to go back to sleep.

Flatmate too, went to bed, and I began to drift off back to the dream I was starring in with the lovely Rosamund Pike.

“waa waa waa waa waa WAA WAA WAA WAA WAA”

A siren noise was coming from downstairs, not unlike a toy fire engine. But I do not own a toy fire engine, and it was a strange hours of the day for my flatmate to be playing with his.

“WAAA WAAA WAAA WAAA!!”

The noise got louder and the landing light came on as my flatmate went to investigate. I heard him go downstairs and then try and hang up the phone. He had obviously knocked the phone to the floor and didn’t hang it up correctly.

Some further muttering convinced me he was unable to hang up a phone. He is an accountant, so he should be able to hang up a phone, though I have heard about people who are good with numbers being rubbish at every day normal tasks like hanging up a phone or dressing themselves.

There was further muttering, and then I heard him head to the kitchen and leave the WAAA WAAA WAAA-ing which had now reached a crescendo.

He returned and I heard some fiddling with what sounded like a screwdriver, all to the continuing WAAA WAAA WAAA-ing. Eventually, after about three hours, he pulled the cable from the wall and silence returned.

Despite the waiting Ms Pike, I could not sleep for worrying about what damage the worlds most clumsy man had caused to my flat. I am of the firm conclusion that after this, and previous incidents, he is slowly trying to demolish my home before he moves out in a few weeks time.

This is why you should not have early nights.

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