He stood in front of me defending the territory like a Goal Defence in netball (so I have been told. By girls). He picked up a piece, then a second.
Paw. Paw. Paw.
He moved some more of them out of the way, in order to reach the ones at the back. Paw. Paw. Paw. He picked up two of them, but did not want either of them, so back they went. Paw, and fucking Paw again.
“Excuse me, I think if you look closely there are two in there that you haven’t yet touched.” I interjected.
“I’m sorry? My hands are clean you know.” he responded, somewhat surprised.
“Oh, is that right. Did you ’scrub in’ before coming to the vegetable aisle?”
“Well, no, but chill out mate, it’s just a vegetable.”
I do not like being told to chill-out, it is like waving a Bollywood actress at a Jade Goody. However, even I would find it very hard to come out of fight in a Supermarket aisle, over fresh broccoli, looking cool. So I reluctantly back down.
I do not understand the need to pick up and feel every single item of food before making your decision on which one to buy?
I can understand picking something up, and then changing your mind if it was slightly marked or bruised, but trying to identify the perfect piece of broccoli is like trying to find the perfect politician. Such a thing doesn’t exist. They all have varying degrees of imperfection and unfortunately you have to make do with what is available. Unless of course you go for a different vegetable, like Cabbage, or Sprouts, but I will stop there because this already weak analogy is beginning to crumble around my ears.
Anyway, I do not normally buy pre-packed vegetables, but in this case I made an exception.
No tags
maggie · February 27, 2007 at 7:51 am
maybe that’s his daily dose of psychological release, angry.
its way cheaper than seeing a shrink.
billyboy · February 27, 2007 at 8:02 am
What about everyone else who has pawed the stuff before it ever gets to the veggie counter?
Anyway Broccoli is PV. Pointless veg.
Jimmy Page's Trousers · February 27, 2007 at 8:48 am
I’m with you Angry. Opposed to the veg-pawers (unless it’s parsnips – they can rub parsnips in their armpits and crotches for all I care).
If I might expand on your veg issue, I’m also opposed to the Bread-squeezers. Look at the damn date to see if it’s fresh – don’t squish it in your death-grip and then leave it there with the middle ten slices all malformed and misshapen.
TJ · February 27, 2007 at 9:20 am
slow news day?
Dr_Clip · February 27, 2007 at 9:27 am
I was deliberating about likening vegtables to politicians, this might actually be quite easy, Think about Blair Broccoli, Prescott Potatoes and Beetroot Brown. I’m not sure how they relate at the moment apart from illeteration, but i’m working on it.
Graham Turner was know as the “Turnip” for a while. And if you remember that picture in the sun he really did look like a perfect turnip.
Anyway, I promised myself I would work this morning.
Alan · February 27, 2007 at 9:36 am
Is this all because no-one has touched your love spuds for a while lol….
seriously, I hate the feckers who squeeze tomatoes then sniff them, then put them back.. just so YUK!!
Dr J · February 27, 2007 at 9:49 am
Broccoli fondler eh. Bit of an odd paraphilia that. You’re quite right, prepacked is the only way to go if they’re going to let brassicaphiles roam the streets unchecked.
You wait, it’ll be the cauliflowers next.
S Hamilton · February 27, 2007 at 10:01 am
Frankly, anyone who eats vegetables deserves every single form of abuse, physical and psychological that is thrown their way.
It’s yet another namby pamby, hippy, liberal do-gooder conspiracy to weaken the human race to a point where we all wear beads and arran jumpers.
There are only 3 main food groups and if we stick rigidly to them, all will be well.
The three C’s are;
Crisps, chocolate and caffeine.
You only need to augment it with a pizza and a bag of chips now and then. Everything else is flim flam and jibber jabber.
MooMoo · February 27, 2007 at 10:16 am
It could have been worse.
He could have waited until you have selected a small bag of veg (say parsnips) and placed them in your trolley before walking over to you, leaning into your trolley and blatantly stealing them from you.
The nerve of some people………
Léonie · February 27, 2007 at 10:35 am
Fucking men. Testing the goods then discarding them for some other grubby-pawed man to fondle at their whim. Bloody typical.
*sulks about melons for a bit*
Admin comment by Mr Angry · February 27, 2007 at 11:31 am
maggie – He should get a blog and leave my vegetables alone!
Billboy – I quite like broccoli
JPT – Has anyone ever rejected a loaf for not being squidgy enough?
TJ – No. This is the cutting edge social commentary that people have come to expect. If you want boring current affairs try the BBC.
Dr Clip – It was Graham Taylor. Graham Turner was an entirely different, completely useless, Villa Manager.
Alan – Tomato sniffers?! Shoot them! Shoot them to death!
Dr J – Is a brassicaphile something to do with lady undergarments?
S Hamilton – I like vegetables (except Fat Jim), but also the three C’s.
MooMoo – Or added some tampax or condoms?
Léonie – We should all ponder melon fondling at least once a day.
Ariel · February 27, 2007 at 1:52 pm
Pity the poor shopper who has no other touchy feely activity in his life than that of broccoli fondling. Maybe you should have re-directed him to the teddy bear aisle…
steve_p · February 27, 2007 at 2:58 pm
I work in a shop, hope you don’t buy Pic’N'Mix mate if people touching veg (which gets washed) disturbs you!
z · February 27, 2007 at 3:59 pm
It’s bananas in our shop. It takes a good deal of careful fondling before a customer chooses a banana. They also pinch the avocados and sniff the melons.
Thomas · February 27, 2007 at 4:02 pm
One must always squeeze vegetables before buying. It’s the law. Then you leave them to go so soft and squiggy that brown goo starts seeping from the fridge. I thought everyone knew that.
steve_p · February 27, 2007 at 4:03 pm
This is worrying but Pic’n'Mix ain’t washed before you eat it! Think about it, some snotty kid been picking his nos, scratching his arse need I go on?
Excuse my ignorance I have no idea if you wash a (an?) avocado(s?) before you eat them (it?)
steve_p · February 27, 2007 at 4:17 pm
Meant nose, not a fuel injection system for a souped up street-racer (nos, I have need for speed for ps2)Mind you greasy hands tinkering under bonnet not good either but up his nose worse me thinks, I will shut up now…..
Ldbug · February 27, 2007 at 5:23 pm
Comparing broccoli to politicians is an good analogy..both lack in taste.
maggie · February 27, 2007 at 5:48 pm
steve, i would wash anything before i eat them. don’t you?
i think, Angry, men have tendency to fondle the melon in this case. its just something men cannot resist.
surely, they might have thought it the same with the cabbage?
Dr J · February 27, 2007 at 6:58 pm
Dr J – Is a brassicaphile something to do with lady undergarments?
Nope, that’s just any average bloke you’re referring to there, not some broccoli fondling weirdo. Perhaps if he’d paid more attention to ladies undergarments as a lad he wouldn’t have put you in such an awkward position in the Veg Department in the first place.
FB · February 27, 2007 at 6:58 pm
Oh but the squeezy squeezy factor is all important… apparently. Although not usually with broccoli, that is weird.
(and, running the risk of developing a trend of only ever commenting here when I have a comedy YouTube clip to offer, I must link you here – he starts squeezing about a minute from the end)
Phoenix · February 27, 2007 at 8:38 pm
I know someone that checks sprouts
Phoenix
x
steve_p · February 27, 2007 at 9:16 pm
Maggie I do not wash pic’n'mix sweets before I eat them!! Do you??? Would ruin the cola bottles etc
maggie · February 27, 2007 at 9:45 pm
was referring to fruits and veggies, steve.
we dont have pic’n'mix sweets here but if my bf explains them to me as they really are, then i understand you used little shovels, dont u?
there are actually people groping them instead?! man, that’s so not first-world country conduct.
!
Farty · February 27, 2007 at 11:51 pm
Vegetable, vegetable, hmmmm.
*strokes beard*
I have heard of such a thing, but always believed it to be an Urban Myth.
*goes back to his Deep-Fried Mars Bar Supper*
steve_p · February 28, 2007 at 12:01 am
Maggie supposed to use metal “shovels” but no-one does!! well not in “my” shop, reminds me of a story about a guy who moaned like fuck his pick’n'mix cost a fortune till he got home and opened his bag and had the fooking metal spoon(shovel) thingy in his bag!!
fatman · February 28, 2007 at 12:02 am
I like to paw melons, big juicy melons! Paw. Paw. Paw.
Or small melons
Any melons.
Am I still talking about fruit?
day in bed · February 28, 2007 at 3:19 am
Some guys don’t wash veggies. They just cut them up and throw them in the saucepan. I know as I have looked on in horror, hoping to God that the heat kills the mass of germs.
It doesn’t matter with melons though. As it’s what’s inside that counts.