“Hello NHS Direct, how may I help you?”
“Hello, yes, er, I think I need your help.”
“Right, certainly Sir, what appears to be the problem?”
“Well, I am pretty certain that I am dying.”
“And what makes you think that?”
“I’ve been feeling a bit peaky for the last few weeks, and then this morning I read this thing on the Tube, and now I think I am dying, in fact I am pretty damn certain of it.”
“OK, so what are your symptoms.”
“You know, general peakiness, being a bit tired and that”
“Anything else?”
“Well, I’m not sure, the advert didn’t mention any specific symptoms, it just mentioned the death bit. In fact, nine people have died of it whilst we’ve been talking, and I am sure this cough is getting worse!”
“OK, what advert are your talking about?”
“It said that in the time it took me to read the sign, nine people had died of Poverty. I am pretty sure that I have got Poverty, and possibly flu as well.”
“You can’t catch Poverty Sir, that’s not how it works.”
“But what if I had sex with someone that had it? I went with a girl a few weeks ago and I can’t be sure, but she looked like she might have Poverty. I didn’t ask her outright if she had it, that would have spoiled the mood, and I was careful and everything, but condoms aren’t 100% safe are they?”
“Well, you’re correct about the condoms, but Poverty isn’t a disease, so you can’t catch it.”
“What if we shared a toilet seat? Not at the same time like, but me going after her?”
“Nope, you can’t catch it, it’s an economic issue, not a purely medical one.”
“People are dying! I read it on the Tube so it must be true! We’re up to 36 dead in the time its taken us to have this conversation, I really do not like those odds, it could be me next!”
Click.
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22 comments
<< A Cure!
Oli · February 23, 2007 at 8:49 am
I have to admit that you might just be a comedic genius Mr A, unless you plagerised this, in which case your just an average internet user.
Fi · February 23, 2007 at 8:49 am
Yes but! When you phone NHS they don’t actually answer your questions until you’ve spent the first 5 minutes telling them your address, doctor, allergies, etc.! Which is really helpful when one thinks one actually IS dying. Tsk.
I think I may have Poverty too… I think one of the symptoms is walking places because of lack of bus fare?
AFC 30K · February 23, 2007 at 9:17 am
New house, new baby, new car – I’ve got a touch of the Poverty too….
:-0
Admin comment by Mr Angry · February 23, 2007 at 9:30 am
Oli – It is mine!!
Fi – Yes, but all that stuff makes a boring blog post, and I can’t be arsed to type it all. And yes, that is one of the symptoms.
AFC 30K – Get yourself checked out, asap!
Thomas · February 23, 2007 at 9:42 am
It’s not true. It is catching. I caught it from my wife shortly after I gave her the PIN number for my credit card.
At least there is some good news though. My wife’s much better now.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · February 23, 2007 at 9:53 am
Thomas – Hello. I wish you a speedy recovery!
Dr J · February 23, 2007 at 10:12 am
Sooo, trying the delights of NHS Redirect eh? I do hope that was a real telephonic encounter. I am a bit surprised the overqualified nursey call handler didn’t tell you you needed to see a GP IMMEDIATELY to discuss your poverty related health crisis, it’s what they’d do here in Borsetshire.
Can’t stop, off for my MOT to see if I’m safe to be let loose on the unsuspecting populace.
Get well soon.
dowelld · February 23, 2007 at 10:35 am
Mr A.
You need to get this checked out….
There’s two types you know, Absolute and Relative.
Only the Absolute kills, hope you haven’t got that…
or I’ll have to find some other daft sods blog to read !
Minnie · February 23, 2007 at 11:37 am
Ah, for the good old days when we ignored Poverty and everyone died of Ignorance instead.
This is sounding more like a Charles Dickens novel by the minute.
ee-tee · February 23, 2007 at 12:10 pm
Spike Milligan explored dying from poverty in the ‘£50 cure’ by the Goons!
greavsie · February 23, 2007 at 12:12 pm
Isn’t Viagra the cure? suddenly it seems to be able to cure everything.
greavsie · February 23, 2007 at 12:19 pm
Isn’t Viagra a cure for poverty? It seems to be used for nearly everyhting now.
Although would someone who did die of poverty after taking viagra just be another stiff?
marycub · February 23, 2007 at 12:26 pm
I phoned NHS direct with a small ailment, and by the time the conversation was finished, i was panicking and in no time at all i was in the A&E. Basically i have hayfever and i had itchy eyes so i rubbed my eyes. Then my eyes hurt. And then i had a sort of blister on my eye because i’d rubbed them so much and inflammed them. I rang NHS direct who told me that it sounded like something very bad and that i should get down to A&E straight away. Problem with A&E is that it is full of stupid drunk people who have fights so i waited 3 hours and by the time i was seen my eye had gotten better all by itself. NHS direct is a waste of time!!
mad muthas · February 23, 2007 at 12:42 pm
i think it might be related to birdflu – cos bernard matthews had that round at his farm thing, didn’t he? and he was very rich before – and now he’s got an attack of the poverty – losing money and laying loads of people off.
Dr_Clip · February 23, 2007 at 1:06 pm
You can’t catch Poverty, its genetic.
If your parents have Poverty you will almost definitely inherit it.
AFC 30K · February 23, 2007 at 2:44 pm
Angry – I’ve just checked back and did you know I’ve been lurking around here since 5th January 2006 – which, being in construction was the first day back after two weeks Christmas shut down.
so sorry again that I didn’t comment
*hangs head in shame and goes to make another cup of tea*
steve_p · February 23, 2007 at 4:19 pm
By the time you have answered all the questions and they told you what you already know and been advised to go Hospital you could have been there already and saved half an hour!! Good job its a freephone number. My advice if it worries you enough to ring helpline then it probably best go to A+E. Not sure about poverty though!!Did we establish if it can be caught off a toilet seat?? Bit worried cos I had to take a dump (*had a hostage situation) @ work other day, hope person before me weren’t infected with “poverty”
maggie · February 23, 2007 at 4:54 pm
now, now, now, i wonder why that got you worried.
perhaps if you come over to my country, you’d probably die of shock by just seeing it.
clarissa · February 23, 2007 at 8:31 pm
I don’t think you really called NHS Direct. I dont’ think they would have known that Poverty isn’t a contagious disease.
Ldbug · February 23, 2007 at 9:47 pm
I’ve definitely got Poverty, it’s going to be a long, slow death.
sooz · February 24, 2007 at 4:12 pm
Proper ‘poorly’ then!
Shell · February 25, 2007 at 12:27 am
superbly orchestrated to become a deeply moving piece of writing … awesome.