“Hello NHS Direct, how may I help you?”

“Hello, yes, er, I think I need your help.”

“Right, certainly Sir, what appears to be the problem?”

“Well, I am pretty certain that I am dying.”

“And what makes you think that?”

“I’ve been feeling a bit peaky for the last few weeks, and then this morning I read this thing on the Tube, and now I think I am dying, in fact I am pretty damn certain of it.”

“OK, so what are your symptoms.”

“You know, general peakiness, being a bit tired and that”

“Anything else?”

“Well, I’m not sure, the advert didn’t mention any specific symptoms, it just mentioned the death bit. In fact, nine people have died of it whilst we’ve been talking, and I am sure this cough is getting worse!”

“OK, what advert are your talking about?”

“It said that in the time it took me to read the sign, nine people had died of Poverty. I am pretty sure that I have got Poverty, and possibly flu as well.”

“You can’t catch Poverty Sir, that’s not how it works.”

“But what if I had sex with someone that had it? I went with a girl a few weeks ago and I can’t be sure, but she looked like she might have Poverty. I didn’t ask her outright if she had it, that would have spoiled the mood, and I was careful and everything, but condoms aren’t 100% safe are they?”

“Well, you’re correct about the condoms, but Poverty isn’t a disease, so you can’t catch it.”

“What if we shared a toilet seat? Not at the same time like, but me going after her?”

“Nope, you can’t catch it, it’s an economic issue, not a purely medical one.”

“People are dying! I read it on the Tube so it must be true! We’re up to 36 dead in the time its taken us to have this conversation, I really do not like those odds, it could be me next!”

Click.

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