I have read in the news that the US television station ABC are going make a new celebrity reality show, the format of which will be similar to our own “Strictly Come Dancing”.

This is not a first, the Americans have been stealing the excrement from our screens for years now, so this should come as no surprise. What is a bit of a shock however, is the name of their first celebrity dancing contestant. It is the serial Beatle botherer and publicity-shy monoped, Heather Mills.

Unless it has grown back in the last few months, I believe she still has only one leg, which something of a disadvantage when it comes to dancing. I am not saying she should stay at home polishing her stump, far from it, but if I wanted to watch one-legged dancers I would go to the circus or get Bravo TV. As far as the actual competition is concerned, she is not really giving herself a chance here is she?

I am sure she is good at many things. Like smiling, marrying millionaires, and other stuff, but I just do not think her skills currently extend to moonwalking, which as everyone knows, is the secret to dancing success.

I am all for giving less fortunate people the chance to compete, which is why we let Fat Jim have a go at the Karaoke machine, but surely it should be a fair competition, one that could be won by any one of the contestants? You wouldn’t expect to see Kate Moss on Celebrity Fat Club, or Jade Goody on Celebrity Mastermind would you? This is just a publicity stunt, and it is clearly working.

And what about the other competitors? There is a very real chance that she will secure the country’s sympathy vote during the Okey-Cokey, and as a result might not be the first person voted off. Can you imagine if you were voted off before the one-legged lady?  I personally, would be fucking furious.

However, I admit that it would make great live TV to see Beverly Hills 90210’s Ian Zeiring screaming, “What? Are you kidding? She’s got one fucking leg! Seriously dude, I played Steve Sanders in hit teen drama and ratings winner Beverly Hills 90210, there is no way she can dance better than me!”

What odds do you think you’d get on a tearful Heather Mills winning the whole bloody thing?

NB: I reserve the right to change my opinion if she can actually dance. Which let’s be honest, is pretty unlikely.

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