“I would like to buy some tennis balls please.” I say to the man behind the counter at my local sports shop.
“Certainly Sir, for what surface would that be?” he enquired helpfully.
“Oh, I am not sure, whatever is on the inside of a tumble drier I suppose.”
After looking at me like I was the first person ever to ask for tennis balls to help with the laundry he agreed to go and get his most tumble-drier friendly tennis balls. The tube did not say they were safe for tumble-driers, but the man assured me they would be fine.
He would know. After all he was the professional in this transaction.
This all came about after accidentally leaving my big winter coat in the kitchen of our ski chalet a few weeks ago, it now reeks of cooking and assorted kitchen paraphernlia. It is not a pleasant odour.
I was planning to wash it at home and just hang it up like I would any other jacket or coat, but it says quite clearly on the care instructions that it must be tumble dried with two tennis balls. As someone who does not own either a tumble drier, or two tennis balls, this presented me with a problem.
The tumble drier issue is easily resolved as there is a launderette a few hundred yards from my flat, just like in Eastenders, but I am forced to buy tennis balls as a brief telephone call the launderette confirmed that they do not, and will not, hire tennis balls by the hour, despite my tennis ball-less pleading. I briefly considered using golf balls, of which I have many, but I was concerned by the potential for damage to my coat.
What I do not understand is why the care instructions mandate the use of tennis balls? I have asked around, and am amazed to learn that the addition of tennis balls to a tumble drier is not the unusual instruction I had first thought.
Have you ever deliberately put a tennis ball into a tumble drier?
I am genuinely suspicious that Slazenger have been lobbying clothing manufacturers to include the use of tennis balls on all clothing care labels. There are many more coats in the UK than tennis courts, so it makes good commercial sense doesn’t it? It is a plot like something off of BBC 2’s Dragon’s Den.
After all, I was not going to buy any tennis balls, and now I have bought four, yet I am about as likely to play tennis in the next few months as I am to have sex with Fearne Cotton (Fearne, if you are Googling yourself and have found this, then Hello, I am not averse to taking up tennis, if it will help with the sex thing).
No tags
maggie · February 20, 2007 at 7:44 am
it sounds strange to me, angry.
but then i never had a winter coat and i have never seen snow.
and i have never done laundry for a long, long time.
zed · February 20, 2007 at 8:35 am
errrr … tennis balls ?
Oli · February 20, 2007 at 8:40 am
I have heard of the tennis ball thing, I dont think it requires brand name tennis balls though.
marycub · February 20, 2007 at 8:40 am
Where is this coat from?? Usually “dry-clean” only is the standard.
I once had a tshirt who’s washing instructions told me that i should go out on the pull, pull a rich guy, bin the tshirt and get him to buy me a new one. I found a 40 wash a lazier and quicker option.
marycub · February 20, 2007 at 8:40 am
oli – ooo weird we blogged at the same time!
Fussy Bitch · February 20, 2007 at 9:00 am
Surely Febreze would have been quicker and easier?
billyboy · February 20, 2007 at 9:06 am
I assume that ypou have a modern day duvet coat. The tennis balls are supposed to stop the holow fill binding together and going flat. I am pleased to say the make of tennis balls does not matter. BUT I would advise very strongly against washing the coat. You should really only do this as as very last resort, as they loose their thermal qualities really quickly, and go all sort of flat, spazzie and crap.
I would suggest that instead of washing it you give it a little spray of a frabric freshner like Fabreeze and then hanging it outside for a day or so and then turning it inside out and doing the same.
Ellie · February 20, 2007 at 9:07 am
the tennis balls fluff up the padding inside, Thats what you are meant to do when you tumble dry a duvet. but dont pu it on to high or the balls melt and thats none too pleasant!
Betty · February 20, 2007 at 9:16 am
I have never heard of this.
Next time just get it drycleaned, cheapskate.
Dr J · February 20, 2007 at 10:09 am
I reckon there’s a strong case for getting you put away under the new Mental Health Act they want to bring in.
What ever’s wrong with just giving the coat a good shake after washing to fluff it back up I ask you? Or you could just put the coat back on and get all your cake eating lady friends to pelt you with tennis balls.
*no I’m not the least bit jealous that you have cake eating lady friends*
Admin comment by Mr Angry · February 20, 2007 at 10:24 am
maggie – it is true! It says it right there on the label!!
zed – Yes. Do they not have them in Belgium?
Oli – I had no choice, it is all they had.
marycub – it is from Matinique and is a big down-filled coat. For in the winter, like.
Fussy Bitch – Does it get rid of stains too?
Billyboy – It definitely needs a wash. And it is filled with stuff that could go flat I guess.
Ellie – Tumble dry a duvet? Are you mad woman?!
Betty – It doesn’t say it can be dry-cleaned!
Dr J – I can be sectioned for doing what the instructions say? Oh dear…
Ellie · February 20, 2007 at 11:09 am
well how else do you get it dry? oh dont tell me you dont wash yours?
Admin comment by Mr Angry · February 20, 2007 at 11:16 am
Ellie – Wash it? They are massive. You are clearly mental.
Badger · February 20, 2007 at 11:26 am
Indeed, I would pay great money to watch Fearne Cotton ‘Google herself’, as it were. Not Fern Britton, though. That would require a pint of vodka with a Rohipnol chaser.
B.
greavsie · February 20, 2007 at 12:25 pm
“New Balls please.”
I’ve always wanted to say that.
Ellie · February 20, 2007 at 12:51 pm
no you take it to the launderette (two t’s?) and put it into the larger machine once every 3 months or at least we do?
BoyOnTop · February 20, 2007 at 1:32 pm
Though in general I am in favour of the phrase “If all else fails, read the instructions”, but in this case I’d make an exception.
I’m with Betty, dry clean it. Any clothing item can be dry cleaned, regardless of manufacturor instructions…
GH · February 20, 2007 at 1:43 pm
I’m desperately trying to come up with something witty to say, but its no good, I’m too busy thinking about flying out to canada tomorrow for 2 weeks of snowboarding and visiting people.
Nothing to do with your blog I know, but I figure jealousy has got to help you keep your anger levels up
GH.
Megan · February 20, 2007 at 2:16 pm
Fearne Cotton might be more interested if you stop pleading with laundrette managers about your ball-less state. Just saying.
TJ · February 20, 2007 at 2:41 pm
Why, don’t you put your balls in the washing machine, assuming they don’t wreak of cooking and assorted kitchen paraphernlia? I’ve heard it works with cats (that’s whole ones, not their balls). This way you save money, given you are too tight to go to a dry cleaners and at the same time, be part of an exciting experiment.
Mangonel · February 20, 2007 at 2:47 pm
Man stopped by his club for a quick post-work tennis game, and half a pint. He was the sort who would put spare tennis balls in his pocket to avoid all that unnecessary running around.
ANYWAY. In the club bar after his quickie, he noticed a young woman casting odd glances at his groin. (Odd as in peculiar.) Being a modest sort of chap, he didn’t assume he had just pulled, and merely glanced down to see what the problem was. He had left a tennis ball in his pocket. ‘Ah!’ he reassured her, ‘It’s only a tennis ball!’
‘You poor thing’ she said. ‘I had tennis elbow once, and it was really painful.’
Admin comment by Mr Angry · February 20, 2007 at 3:36 pm
Badger – Why do people keep getting those two mixed up? If Ferne Brittan has Googled herself to here, I will not have sex with you Ferne, sorry.
greavsie – a closet umpire eh?
Ellie – Why would I wash my duvet more often than my sheets?
BoT – Which just adds weight to my Slazenger conspiracy theory then!!
GH – Git. But I am going again in a few weeks so it is OK.
Megan – Hello. There was no pleading. It was more a polite, prolonged, and somewhat desperate request.
TJ – This is not that sort of website, you filthy woman.
Mangonel – Hello. I used to like your Mum when she was in Neighbours. First post, and on testicle jokes already. You will fit in very well here.
Badger · February 20, 2007 at 4:05 pm
Angry – Because they’re both named after trees. I went out with a girl called Redwood once. She was lovely, but had an odour. She’s under the patio now, mind…
B.
Fearne Cotton · February 20, 2007 at 4:06 pm
Hello Mr Angry. I want you to cover me in Muller light and lick me from head to toe.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · February 20, 2007 at 4:16 pm
Badger – Down under with our antipodean friends I assume.
Fearne Cotton – Lovely of you to drop in. I thought you were ace on Love Island. Drop me an email with your address and I’ll be there in 15 minutes (I do not like the raspberry Muller Lights though, the seeds get stuck in my teeth)
Fearne Cotton · February 20, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Angry – Only if that’s slang for “brutally decapitated whilst shaving underarms”.
Fearne – I’m available.
…
And incredibly rich.
B.
Badger · February 20, 2007 at 4:52 pm
What the fuck?
My bastarding nephew is here today. I only just let him on here to get cheats for Hitman 2 (or something).
Sorry about that. HE’LL be the on under the cunting patio in a minute…
Actual B.
Farty · February 20, 2007 at 10:02 pm
“flat, spazzie and crap” – thought that was day-old Rice Krispies.
I too am thinking of flying off – to sunny South Africa where I can laze around on the beach with an Amarula on ice, watching the dolphins surf the waves on the Wild Coast.
Just thinking, mind. *sigh*
melanie · February 20, 2007 at 11:47 pm
No comment.
a salesperson from slazenger.
:giggles:
Phoenix · February 21, 2007 at 12:23 am
The whole thing sounds like a load of balls to me
Phoenix
x
Ariel · February 21, 2007 at 12:33 am
There has to be some sort of sick conspiracy at work here whereby anyone who purchases a coat like yours is then ‘upsold’ additional tennis balls, a bit like a shoe shop trying to flog you shoe polish. Presumably, upon purchasing said tennis balls, someone then tries to enrol you into tennis classes, at which point you find yourself handing over a large cheque for seats at Wimbledon before remortgaging your house to become co-owner of a strawberry growing concern…
Oli · February 21, 2007 at 8:53 am
Its a bit of a ball ache then
what a load of ballocks
Four Dinners · February 21, 2007 at 10:39 pm
I think I’ve just entered the twilight zone. Tennis balls in tumble dryers. Yes. Very normal. I want my mum.