Every now and then, life presents you with such an incredible opportunity to secure yourself a bargain that you cannot, simply must not, pass it up.
“A dozen red roses is 90% off, that’s just 60p instead of £6.” announced the utterly bored tanoy man at my local Tesco.
I took my eyes of the wide selection of luxury toilet paper before me, and braced myself for the inevitable rush to the front of the Tesco store where the flowers are kept.
There is of course a limit to how fast you can walk in a supermarket without drawing attention to yourself, it is 3.539 miles per hour for those who keep track of these things. Due to my increasing pace, I considered calling out the name of a not-really-lost child in order to justify my speed through the ailses.
As I approached 3.539 miles per hour I remembered that today (last Thursday – this is a historical piece), the day after St Valentines day, I did not have anyone to give a dozen red roses to. This was momentarily upsetting, but a bargain is a bargain, after all, and so I continued onwards. Past aisle 4 with the household goods towards aisle 2 with its enormous variety of tinned vegetables.
I found myself looking at the women who were shopping alone and wondering how romantic it would seem if I gave the flowers to one of them. They would have to be fit of course, as I am not going to waste 60p on just anyone, that would be financial suicide (or small-scale financial self-harming at the very least).
One or two of the shopping ladies presented themselves as possible candidates for my incredibly romantic gesture, and I was planning my approach, (“Hi, I’ve been looking for you since yesterday when these were still six pounds, would you like them?”) when I must have jumped up to 3.540 miles per hour, because two people at the flower counter glanced in my direction and immediately picked up the last two bunches of roses.
I bet they did not even want them, and had not even gone to the trouble of creating a rather contrived plan in their head to accost a quite fit, yet completely unknown, women in the bread aisle, in order to present her with day old roses in the hope of securing a cheap date.
They could have ruined a potentially beautiful relationship, or saved me from a restraining order. I am not sure which was more likely.
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Celeste · February 19, 2007 at 8:59 am
I received a rose on Val day from a random man and it was the nicest thing.
I recommend it – a great way to pull!
Oli · February 19, 2007 at 9:16 am
Trying to pull a girl with what she knows are 90% discounted roses would probably result ina slap.
And Angry, your womans instinct for a useless bargain astonishes me not to mention slightly worries me.
heather · February 19, 2007 at 10:13 am
That was nearly very romantic.
Celeste, I got some thisltes??
S Hamilton · February 19, 2007 at 10:14 am
Ha! For the first time ever, I was in Asda (a member of the Wal Mart family) on Saturday – long story – and got a box of 12 dinosaurs for 96p!
As soon as I was out of the shop, I did wonder why I had bought a box of 12 dinosaurs for 96p. After all, I didn’t want them or need them.
But it was the tannoy announcement that propelled me towards them, secure in the knowledge that I MUST have 12 dinosaurs for 96p.
If they could only use their tannoy power for good, just think how much better the world would be.
World peace.
Food for all.
Pretty girls taking their tops off on demand.
The list goes on and on…
greavsie · February 19, 2007 at 10:25 am
Your meaningless gestures need to be more carefully planned in future.
marycub · February 19, 2007 at 10:40 am
I’ll gladly accept any cut price roses, if you’re still looking for someone to give them to
Celeste · February 19, 2007 at 11:00 am
Heather – erm Thistles. Um maybe they thought it was like the plant variety of Heather…
Four Dinners · February 19, 2007 at 11:25 am
I’m sure…
Léonie · February 19, 2007 at 11:35 am
I would have been thrilled! Romantic AND thrifty? What a catch!
I was considering getting some flowers and giving them to a fit stranger on Valentine’s Day, but I didn’t see anyone I fancied so I forgot about it. I might still do it, though.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · February 19, 2007 at 12:57 pm
Celeste – Imagine how impressed you would have been if it had been twelve…
Oli – It was a means to an end mate, a means to an end.
heather – I have nearly been romantic many many times.
S Hamilton – A budget version of Jurassic Park 4 perhaps?
greavsie – Militarily perhaps?
marycub – I didn’t get to them in time!
Celeste – I have a friend called Heather (not the one up there), we call her Poor Mans Bracken. She likes that.
Four Dinners – Of…?
Léonie – I am every woman’s dream. Sort of. And yes, you should do that, definitely.
Celeste · February 19, 2007 at 1:10 pm
Hee hee poor man’s bracken.
I’ll have to tell my baby sister that one. he name is Heather too.
GH · February 19, 2007 at 1:56 pm
I’m a little worried Mr. A. What with you indepth knowledge of the in supermarket speed restrictions and built-in map of Tesco’s layout. Have you been having us on all this time, do you actually work as a shelf stacker, or was that simply a previous existence before net-god-dom?
I’m now plagued by visions of an Angry stalker wondering round various supermarkets looking for cheap flowers and cheaper women. How am I supposed to deal with the competition?
GH.
heather · February 19, 2007 at 3:14 pm
Yes possibly on the Scottish theme. I did put them in water, they haven’t really done too much.
Betty · February 19, 2007 at 3:21 pm
Dawn: Lee proposed to me on Valentine’s day. He didn’t do it face to face, he took out one of those little ads in the paper, and I think they must have charged by the word, because it just said ‘Lee love Dawn, marriage?’. Which, you know, I like, because its not often you get something which is both romantic and thrifty.
BoyOnTop · February 19, 2007 at 5:37 pm
Angry, we have got to discuss technique. Giving the discounted roses to a fit female in the same tesco’s as they were just announced at 60p will not work.
Taking them out onto the street and given them to a completely different fit female who hasn’t heard the announcement with a suitably lame line such as “I’ve been walking around for the last 24 hours looking for you to give these to, without knowing it was going to be you” might, might just have a chance at success.
steve_p · February 19, 2007 at 7:20 pm
Must be day for bargains.. I got a silicone i-pod case for 10pence.
maggie · February 19, 2007 at 8:58 pm
i am shocked.
guys do not buy stuff they do not have plans of buying, even if they are on sale or at a bargain.
that’s sort of effeminate to me!
Admin comment by Mr Angry · February 19, 2007 at 9:37 pm
maggie – there is nothing effeminate about buying 60p flowers in the hope of getting a shag.
I don’t think?
Cliff · February 19, 2007 at 10:19 pm
And they say romance is dead.
Were you going to get them on your Clubcard points, Angry?
Phoenix · February 19, 2007 at 10:51 pm
You know what they say Angry – every little helps
Phoenix
x
Fussy Bitch · February 19, 2007 at 11:34 pm
Effeminate? 60p for a shag is possibly the most manly thing I’ve ever heard of.
maggie · February 20, 2007 at 7:49 am
60p for a shag after vday? if u werent lucky enough to go past 3rd base with her on the shag day, i do not think a dozen of roses would a day after it.
left-overs are always at a bargain. every girl knows that.
we can argue over it being effeminate or not but i do not think that is a wise move. lol.
melanie · February 20, 2007 at 11:52 pm
its the thought that counts right? wish I would have been one of the ladies. i would have invited you over for some dinner. and offered you a piece of chocolate that I bought on sale as well.