I went to meet some Internet friends for drinks on Tuesday after work. I was early, so had to spend an hour reserving the biggest table in the pub for people who would “be here in a minute”. People like it when you say that, really. They especially like it when they are stood next to the table 45 minutes later and your friends still haven’t arrived. My presence here today is proof that looks, do not, in fact, kill.

When everyone arrived the conversation began to flow nicely, and amongst other things, the topic of gym visits came up.

“So my new personal trainer is working me really hard at the moment”, said one of the friendly Internet-based women I had not met before, “but I have got good core strength apparently, so I can beat him at some of the exercises, I just wish I could beat him at more of them.”

I made a mental note not to arm-wrestle her for bar snacks later in the evening.

“Unfortunately after the gym, I feel I should treat myself so I eat a piece of cake, as you do.” she continued.

“You could challenge your personal trainer to a cake eating competition!” I said helpfully.

The entire planet froze in an instant.

“How rude!” she answered, looking directly at me.

“No no no, I was just trying to suggest something you could beat him at.. you know?” I concluded feebly.

“You can’t say that!” another lady chipped in from the other end of the table.

People began looking around the pub in the hope of a suitable distraction, like a stabbing, or a car crash outside the window.

“Err, no, that’s not what I meant, I meant you want to beat him at something, and we were talking about cakes! I didn’t mean, you know, you’re good at eating cakes, which you might be of course, but I wouldn’t know. Maybe you are rubbish at it?” I continued, clearly highlighting my original chivalrous intentions.

“Stop it now!” all three women screamed at me.

The evil glares and stifled giggles from the others at the table suggested that I had perhaps overstepped the mark.

A little tip for the men out there, complimenting a women you have only just met on her ability to eat cakes is not the way to make a good impression. It merely creates an atmosphere heavier than a room full of death-contemplating hippies.

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