As kid I was afraid of the dark. I don’t think there is anything unusual in that, and you need not be concerned for me as I grew out of it many years ago in my early twenties. Today, I am even happy in rooms with black-out curtains that make it magically appear like night time even when it’s actually daytime.

It has got the stage where I can get up in the dark and find my way to my bathroom at home without the need to turn on the light. I am of course then instantly blinded when the spotlights in the bathroom come on, but that is beside the point.

The biggest problem I have with visiting the toilet at night is simply, etiquette. This is not an issue when you’re at home, but when you’re visiting people, and you have to make in night time visit, the big question is, to flush, or not to flush?

At night, in a quiet house, a long toilet flush is surely going to wake the entire house. You might as well go to breakfast with a t-shirt bearing the slogan, “I did a midnight shit in your house!”. My fucking Englishness makes this very hard for me.

During the early hours of a recent Sunday morning I had to find my way to the bathroom at a friends house. Pretty fucking urgently if you don’t mind me saying. I blame the curry we had the night before (note to self, you must increase your fibre intake Angry).

So, after depositing my load I am struck with the dilemma of whether to flush and wake the house, or leave it festering in situ and let everyone sleep, for now.

I put together a cunning plan whereby I would not flush, considerately allowing everyone to sleep (I am good like that), and set my alarm for 7:30am, whereby I would rise and flush, giving the impression I had only just gone to the toilet at the not unreasonable hour of 7:30am.

Sometimes my ingeniousness scares even me. Seriously, there is not a situation I can not think my way out of. Or so I thought.

At 7:30am, right on queue the alarm went off and I made my way back the scene of the previous evenings deliberations. I opened the door and reached for the flush. And then I noticed it. Or rather the lack of it.

The evidence was gone!

I don’t think poos can just evaporate (can they?) so someone had clearly flushed it, and without waking me up! I could have flushed the damned silent toilet after all!

Crestfallen, I went back up to bed and got up later for breakfast and watched everyone eat bacon and eggs whilst I was served a bowl of Muesli to the sniggers of all present.

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