Today is the day that the postmen of my home town dread above all others. They know that today they are going to have to deliver literally dozens of cards to my flat, all from secret admirers wanting to be my Valentine.

My level of desirability is creating work for them, work they wouldn’t have to do if I was just a normal man.

Of course, to save their backs they ditch the sacks of cards before they ever make it to my flat, so I never actually see the cards. But I know that they exist. I can not blame them, I would do the same if I was them. However, this does not change the fact that many women want to sleep with me.

Unfortunately, you women do need to learn a thing or two about men and their attitudes to Valentines Day. It appears that the convention is to send anonymous cards, and quite frankly, this is just ridiculous.

If a man sends a card to a woman, it means, “I want to sleep with you and I’m grateful for this day so I can say it without actually saying it”. I can only assume that women intend to communicate the same sentiment when they send one? If so, let me give you one little tip. Do not send it anonymously. There is not a man alive that would not react positively to a “I would like to have sex with you” card. We dream of such cards.

An anonymous card is incredibly frustrating. You know that out there, somewhere, there is a woman that wants to have passionate monkey sex with you, but they will not tell you who they are. The bitches.

So, in an open message to all my female readers, I ask each and every one of you to please please just say what you mean in your card. And if you’re sending me one, then could you leave your name, phone number and address in the card, along with your approximate whereabouts about ten minutes after the first post delivery. Thanks.

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