I woke up to the sound of my Nokia mobile phone alarm and made my way to the bathroom. I showered with Radox shower gel, and shaved with a Gillette razor and King of Shaves shaving gel. Once back in my bedroom I took out a bespoke suit and Charles Tyrwhitt shirt and tie combination. The Paul Smith cuff links complete the outfit and with a splash of Vera Wang for Men I am ready to face the day.

After enjoying a breakfast of Kellog’s Crunchy Nut Cornflakes and a glass of Innocents Strawberry and Banana smoothy, I made my way to my BMW 3 series Coupe and drove to work listening to the latest release from the Kooks.

Are any of you still reading this drivel*?

I am fucking boring myself writing this shite, and it’s my life, so god knows if any of you lot have got this far. I know you don’t come here to see which products I use, and which mobile phone is endorsed by Mr Angry. You could care less. So could I frankly. You come here for entertainment (rare though it is), and I was the same when I went to watch Casino Royale recently.

I have never seen so much product placement in one film. I almost expected to see James Bond turn to the camera when paying for a hotel and say, “American Express, I never leave Blighty without it”.

Apparently product placement in films is big business nowadays. Daniel Craig was quoted in one interview saying the film couldn’t have been what it was without the product placement, as it paid for so many of the effects. Surely film makers should be more open about this advertising? We all know how much Tom Cruise is paid per movie, well I want to know how much Siemens paid for their phones to used in Casino Royale. I didn’t pay eight quid to watch an advert. I paid my money to watch Bond shag birds and fight with terrorists and use cool one-liners and drive fast cars and escape explosions.

I did not pay to see Bond in an airport hire car. James Bond does not drive a Ford Focus, I do not care if the script writers carefully bundled in a hire-car scenario to please the sponsors. It adds nothing to the story. Where does it end? In the next instalment perhaps he will stop off for a Subway Sub of the Day on his way to prevent the detonation of a nuclear weapon? Maybe he will pop into Tesco for his weekly shop before his all important debrief with M? “Every little helps, Moneypenny”, or perhaps he will get on the phone to Direct Line after blowing up his next car? “Hi, yes, you know how you quoted me happy?…”

When this film eventually makes it to terrestrial television (Christmas Day 2009 is my guess), will Aunty Beeb cut all of the product placement scenes? I know it is frowned upon within the confines of Television Centre, so I would expect them to uphold those standards which they harp on about so often. They will, won’t they?

* Of course, anyone from Nokia, Radox, Gillette, Charles Tyrwhitt, Paul Smith, Kellogs, Innocent, Vera Wang or BMW who wants to send me free samples or cash, go right ahead.