“Sniff!” “Tappety tappety tap”

“Sniff!” “Tappety tappety tap”

The sound of someone sniffing is one of those irritating background noises that becomes immediately annoying the moment you notice it. Especially when it is interspersed with rapid laptop typing. She had probably been sniffing since she first sat down in the cafe, but only now had my brain allowed the noise in, and suddenly it was eye-gougingly infuriating.

There is a reason the nostrils are at the bottom of our noses, and not on the top. It is to let the snot out, and to ensure we do not drown when it rains. Gravity ensures a snot-free nose. So sniffing the snot back into your head is both rude and against the laws of nature. It is behaviour like this that stops us evolving.

“Hi, how are you? Is there any danger of you blowing your nose?” I said, deciding to keep small talk to a minimum.

The look on her face suggested I had added the words, “you fucking dribbly-nosed bitch” to the end of the sentence (for clarity, I had not, I don’t think – sometimes these things sneak out).

She huffily got up and went to the loo, I assume to blow her nose. Though I suppose it is possible she actually needed a poo as well, but she had a big coat on so it was hard to tell.

She returned a few moments later with a handful of tissue paper which she showed to me in a way that asked, “Happy now?!”. I suppose the tissue paper waving could have been a confirmation of some recent poo action. I do not know if the toilet paper had been taken whilst she was having a poo, and I am not sure if there is even a test for this (anyone?). I did not want to ask her if she had a good poo, because I am not Borat, but I really wanted to know if she had gone to the loo at my request, or my request had just coincided with a visit she needed to make anyway, because of a poo.

This would be the difference between her being a considerate sniffer-stopper, and a begrudging one. Had she been a man I could have asked her which cubicle to avoid, or if I should light a candle on the way in, but that is probably a bit inappropriate, what with me not being a woman.

Anyway, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that the poo was coincidental, and that she went to blow her nose at my request. I think much better of her that way.

I finished my coffee and left, happy.

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