I have resolved (not in a new years way, that is for those of you with low motivation), to stop saying ‘excuse me’ to people I do not hear or understand.
I have realised that pretty much without fail, any lack of comprehension on my part is due entirely to the communicator. It is them, not me.
Their errors can be numerous, whether they be mumbling, whispering, talking to fast, or simply not paying me enough attention. Yet, when this happens, our first reaction is to say, “Excuse me?” in a “I’m sorry but I have useless ears, what was that again” way. When in reality, what you are actually saying is, “OK numbnuts, let’s try this again, except this time I want eye-contact, volume and a decent attempt at enunciation, OK?”
Honesty is a valued personal trait in society, apparently, so why do we insist on these false apologies? I want to see some harsh truth out there on the streets.
It is the same when someone bumps into you in the street, before you know it you are looking at them apologetically, and saying, “Excuse me”. And not in a cool sarcastic way. I mean in an “Oh my god, I can’t believe I got in your way there, what a twat I am” way.
This apologising for things that are not your fault is a debilitating English disease that I have now resolved to leave in my past forever. It has been removed from my genetic make-up. If we look at yesterday alone, then where there would previously have been at least four “Excuse me”’s, instead I used two “speak ups”, one “Christ, stop mumbling!” and one, “Look where you’re going wideload!”.
And do you know what? Without fail they all said, “Excuse me”.
I feel better for it. I suggest you do the same.
No tags
La Cubana Gringa · January 17, 2007 at 7:34 am
Oh dear. You’re turning into an obnoxious American.
snowcrush · January 17, 2007 at 8:51 am
Have you seen “Little Miss Sunshine” ? If not well no commment, if so: to say you’re sorry is a weakness a loser..see the film for reference…….
Oli · January 17, 2007 at 8:54 am
Being a habitual mumbler myself i have to disagree, its amazing what people agree to when you make sure that the only person who understands you is the minutes taker.
marycub · January 17, 2007 at 9:05 am
So to counter, will you be speaking extra loudly to said mumblers? What if they have a “speach inpediment”? Louder still? I agree with cubana – u r turning into an obnoxious american…
Fussy Bitch · January 17, 2007 at 9:15 am
My children insist that I’m going deaf, I firmly believe they mumble unless the sentence starts with ‘may I have…’
kaz · January 17, 2007 at 9:17 am
Can I say ‘Yer Wot’?
Judith · January 17, 2007 at 9:28 am
My personal favourite, and one I’m using a lot at the moment, is instead of saying “Excuse me” when someone gets in my way, I say “Excuse YOU”.
Am I turning into an obnoxious American too? So be it.
ella · January 17, 2007 at 9:38 am
wideload??? that is so rude! but funny
are you going to start shutting doors in people’s faces next?
Betty · January 17, 2007 at 9:55 am
You are turning into Jade Goody.
Mr Angry · January 17, 2007 at 10:44 am
La Cubana Gringa – Err, thanks?
snowcrush – I’m afraid not, and I don’t think I will be adding it to my Amazon wishlist.
Oli – That is my very point! People accept mumbling!
marycub – why speak louder, I enunciate just fine as it is. Sort of.
Fussy Bitch – Convenient deafness is something altogether different…
Kaz – you can say what you like, it is a free world.
Judith – Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
ella – No, those people get dealt with using Pedestrian Politeness.
Betty – Oh dear, you are going to pay for that one…
drunk punk · January 17, 2007 at 11:10 am
personally I’ve evolved into a “what the fuck are you saying?” sort of person. once they’re over the shock they repeat themselves with a look of alarm if not fear. works for me – even better when I have a small mohawk in a vain attempt to be 18 again. The Mrs told her mum that when we’re out shopping I put in “some plucky work with the elbow”. sod excuse me. Jade Goody eh? Yer in trouble now Betty…
marycub · January 17, 2007 at 11:29 am
hmm american or jade goody? which is worse? actually i do admit to becoming an incredible rude shopper. If ppl get in my way i don’t bother with “excuse me” a simple “MOVE!” with a for god’s sake tone of voice does the trick. This was especially useful during the post xmas sales. I’m very tempted in future to shout “get out of my way i’m going to be sick” or ” baby coming”… anything to get people with bovine instincts to shift out of the way quickly
Equine Pimp · January 17, 2007 at 11:56 am
I like the cut of your jib young Baldrick so I shall endeavour to make all my communications with you clear and concise from now on. If you are unsure of what I have said please assume it is one of the following phrases. I’ll leave it to you to sort them into the right context
“JD and Coke please” (this one will work in all circumstances)
“I didn’t say you could take that away”
“Fucking stupid game anyway”
“Yes, I’ve got Snakes and Camels” (this will almost certainly be mumbled, will no doubt include several curses and almost certainly be in an aggresive tone)
BoyOnTop · January 17, 2007 at 12:28 pm
I find just ignoring them works wonders. Either they speak up more clearly or go away in a huff. Either way, result.
greavsie · January 17, 2007 at 1:19 pm
We need to use more of the old schoolism ‘Why? What have you done?’
z · January 17, 2007 at 1:40 pm
Quite sure you haven’t actually got cloth ears yourself? I can hear people perfectly well.
If people get in my way they soon apologise. I have that sort of manner about me. But if you call me ‘wideload’ I will practise road politeness on you myself.
Dr Clip · January 17, 2007 at 5:40 pm
u wot?
The Editor · January 17, 2007 at 6:44 pm
My tendency to speak like a stroke patient causes Isabelle to signal with the prescribed warning “Woop! woop! mumble alert!”
snowbug · January 17, 2007 at 8:42 pm
what the hell? did I comment as snowcrush? that was my old name, but I do not remember leaving that comment — it links to my site — I really didn’t leave that comment!
The Girl · January 17, 2007 at 10:48 pm
Brilliant advice Mr Angry, I shall try it myself and report back.
ella · January 18, 2007 at 9:48 am
what constitutes ‘Pedestrian Politeness’?
sounds painful
GH · January 18, 2007 at 1:27 pm
Lol! I’ve developed a new way of handling people who bump into me. When they mumble an “excuse me”, I reward them with a “you’re excused, peasant!” and stroll on. Its great, the dumb ones can spend quite some time trying to work out what just happened.
GH.
Phoenix · January 18, 2007 at 11:41 pm
You are absolutely right of course. All that awful apologising. I’m sorry to say I do it all the time. Really sorry to say. In fact I am so sorry I can barely look at myself in the mirror these days I feel so ashamed of myself.
Gotta go. Still got 2 self flagelations to do and a hair shirt to knit before bedtime
Phoenix
x
JungleVIP · January 19, 2007 at 3:13 pm
It’s true to say that posh people always say “what ?” and never “Pardon” Saying pardon is the lowest form of irredemable middle classness
JVIP