I don’t like questionnaires. They are usually accompanied by a clipboard and someone with less interest in your answers than you have in giving them. Then I got tagged with a ‘meme’ by Clarissa, and I thought, you know what, I’ll have a look at what these ‘meme’ things are. So I did.

And you know what? It is like a questionnaire, except without the beginning and end bit. Just the bit in the middle where it says, “Tell me 5 things no-one knows about you”.

I have checked, and Clarissa is not part of some sort of undercover honey trap and so I am not being lured into confessing to something I might did not do. But I am still not going to do it, because I do not conform. That is the sort of person I am.

This is a shame for you of course, because now you won’t get to hear some things you don’t know about me, like the fact that Esther Rantzen once muttered “you fucking imbecile” at me under her breath. At least that is what it sounded like. I was 16. I felt like calling childline.

Or how I don’t like heights, so once jumped out of a plane to confront my fears (it was planned, and I had a parachute on, I am not mental). It worked as well, right up until the bit where I landed back on the runway (instead of 4 square miles of nice soft field) and damaged my knee ligaments.

Or the fact that I learned to play the guitar at University, not out of some desire for musical or artistic expression, but purely to impress girls. It worked. Brilliantly (compared to say, not learning the guitar).

Or that I am allergic to cats and dogs. The evil devil-serving allergen-carrying hairy fuckers.

Or that I was once arrested in Rome, and as a result I am quite possibly still a fugitive from justice in that country. Probably.

So you see, you have all missed out because I don’t do Memes. Never have, and never will.

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