Being signed off sick from work is an unusual experience for me. In my working life I’ve probably had a total of about three weeks off ’sick’, and that time has been made up primarily from a broken wrist, torn ankle ligaments, dislocated shoulder and a torn hip flexor. All of them injuries caused by weekend sporting endeavours. Not on the same weekend though. That would have been careless in the extreme.
So, being confined to a proper genuine sick bed, with little to do except sit and think, was a bit like a holiday. Except with lots of hacking coughs and phlegm. I found myself thinking about a lot of things that I have never been able to devote proper intellectual capacity towards, and so I made a few notes in order to share these thoughts, and how long I considered them, with you.
So here they are:
1. Is twenty-twelve too old to realise my dreams of rock’n'roll stardom? (37 minutes).
Absolutely not. The music world is clearly crying out for mediocre rhythm guitarists with a penchant for madchester classics. My time will come.
2. Would it be worth getting really fat, safe in the knowledge you would have a pair of boobs at your beck and call 24×7? (15 minutes)
Almost certainly, but I would need to wax my chest first. They never mention this added benefit on all those health programs. Perhaps they realise just how valuable this hidden bonus is?
3. When you have lost your appetite, are ALL calories, regardless of source, worth consuming? (25 seconds)
Absolutely, the cheesecake didn’t stand a chance.
4. How many berrocas would you need to drink in order to make your piss completely opaque? (30 minutes)
In exclusive tests I can reveal that three simply makes it really really orange, but still see-through, sort of.
5. Which would make the hotter girlfriend, a dancer, a nurse or a masseuse? (one and a half days)
As yet unresolved. More thinking time required, thankfully. Perhaps with some extensive DVD based research thrown in for good measure.
6. Which superpower would I most want to have for a day? (2 hours)
Super-strength. Then I would spend the day getting attractive women to check out my guns. Obviously.
7. A lot of people believe in telekinesis. Is it actually possible? (a very intense 45 minutes)
Nope. Though perhaps I should have started on something smaller than the sofa I was lying on.
8. Will global warming eventually result in humans evolving sun umbrellas out of the top of their heads? (20 minutes)
In all likelihood yes, but Darwin’s ‘Origin of Species’ is surprisingly silent on the subject. He should do more research.
9. Do animals tell jokes? (30 minutes)
I would imagine they probably do, but they have limited intelligence so it is probably all ‘Knock Knock’ this, or ‘Doctor Doctor’ that. A bit like the northern club circuit. I suppose they might throw in the odd ‘Why did the chicken cross the road’ joke, the animals would appreciate those I’m sure. Except for the chickens. Who probably just make jokes about the Cornish hens that cross the road, but then the Cornish hens would probably just make jokes about the White Laced Red Cornish Hens that crossed the road. There are comedy stereotypes even in the animal world you see. Even if they are too stupid to make a decent pun.
10. Can cats be allergic to cats? (an hour)
I really fucking hope so.
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17 comments
<< Meme? Meh..
Oli · January 15, 2007 at 8:49 am
I would definately go for the masseus
Dont mess with cats either, they are planning on taking over the world, it would be better to be on their good side.
S Hamilton · January 15, 2007 at 9:51 am
If you’re running out of things to ponder, try these;
Can the Chinese invasion really be prevented by a large fake doorway and an abundant supply of drawing pins?
Why is Australia not still marked on the atlas with ‘Here Be Monsters’?
If they televised topless schoolgirl hockey, would every hetereosexual man in the country watch it?
If the Royal family really are shape changing lizards, could we not station in them in front of a large kaleidoscope and watch them self combust?
More available, should you need them.
f:lux · January 15, 2007 at 10:14 am
You are a man. So if you combine 2. and 5. then 7. should be a doddle?
marycub · January 15, 2007 at 10:30 am
hmm a small insight into how your mind works…
scary.
ella · January 15, 2007 at 12:03 pm
try a berroca with an asparagus and beetroot salad
VERY peculiar
greavsie · January 15, 2007 at 12:12 pm
You were obviously very ill indeed – the answer to 5. was ‘One that is all three’.
Léonie · January 15, 2007 at 12:26 pm
Hang on a minute. You are meant to be MY mediocre rhythm guitarist! I’m not taking that lycra all-in-one back to the shop now.
Dr Clip · January 15, 2007 at 12:31 pm
what about Sugar Puff smelling wee, I think its only one bowl.
BoyOnTop · January 15, 2007 at 2:37 pm
Though I am now a happily married man, and of course no longer interested in such questions, I did once date a dancer who was a trained masseuse. She was a bit mad, but rather good fun.
Rock and roll stardom is never out of reach. Just look at those OAP Stones chappies.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · January 15, 2007 at 2:58 pm
Oli – Cats are evil, nothing about them surprises me.
S Hamilton – I will let you know next time I am ill.
f:lux – my lurgy addled brain didn’t make the link. Rubbish.
marycub – try living with it.
ella – does that result in flames?
greavsie – Of course! The holy grail itself!
Léonie – I am still waiting for rehearsal instructions. I am already twenty-twelve, I can only wait another twenty or so years you know.
Dr Clip – Never tried the things. Sounds delightful mind you.
BoT – She sounds great!!
afc30k · January 15, 2007 at 3:16 pm
it’s worth pondering – does the baby induced lack of sleep have a direct affect on the quaility of my work and the amount of typos and poor grammar i am currently experiencing……
marycub · January 15, 2007 at 3:47 pm
i’m sure it’s a real struggle! At least you have your expansive imagination to keep you company while you have your man flu
Alan · January 15, 2007 at 6:16 pm
Sick… ffing sick???
Get back to work you sciving git lol….
btw always but always go for a nurse!!! best of both worlds, mmmmmmmmm the outfit!!!
Murph · January 15, 2007 at 6:34 pm
I told a joke today, Angry. So there.
snowcrush · January 16, 2007 at 3:31 am
Ah, I feel your pain. Being sick is loads of fun. I actually didn’t do much thinking, more sleeping/puking/lolling my eyes and mumbling incoherantly
Mr Angry · January 17, 2007 at 10:35 am
Thank you all for your concern about my well being.
Murph, was it a knock-knock joke?
The Girl · January 17, 2007 at 10:51 pm
Twenty-twelve: I love it. I shall hereby refer to myself as that from now on. The fact that I am actually twenty-fourteen is irrelevant.