Being signed off sick from work is an unusual experience for me. In my working life I’ve probably had a total of about three weeks off ’sick’, and that time has been made up primarily from a broken wrist, torn ankle ligaments, dislocated shoulder and a torn hip flexor. All of them injuries caused by weekend sporting endeavours. Not on the same weekend though. That would have been careless in the extreme.

So, being confined to a proper genuine sick bed, with little to do except sit and think, was a bit like a holiday. Except with lots of hacking coughs and phlegm. I found myself thinking about a lot of things that I have never been able to devote proper intellectual capacity towards, and so I made a few notes in order to share these thoughts, and how long I considered them, with you.

So here they are:

1. Is twenty-twelve too old to realise my dreams of rock’n'roll stardom? (37 minutes).

Absolutely not. The music world is clearly crying out for mediocre rhythm guitarists with a penchant for madchester classics. My time will come.

2. Would it be worth getting really fat, safe in the knowledge you would have a pair of boobs at your beck and call 24×7? (15 minutes)

Almost certainly, but I would need to wax my chest first. They never mention this added benefit on all those health programs. Perhaps they realise just how valuable this hidden bonus is?

3. When you have lost your appetite, are ALL calories, regardless of source, worth consuming? (25 seconds)

Absolutely, the cheesecake didn’t stand a chance.

4. How many berrocas would you need to drink in order to make your piss completely opaque? (30 minutes)

In exclusive tests I can reveal that three simply makes it really really orange, but still see-through, sort of.

5. Which would make the hotter girlfriend, a dancer, a nurse or a masseuse? (one and a half days)

As yet unresolved. More thinking time required, thankfully.  Perhaps with some extensive DVD based research thrown in for good measure.

6. Which superpower would I most want to have for a day? (2 hours)

Super-strength. Then I would spend the day getting attractive women to check out my guns. Obviously.

7. A lot of people believe in telekinesis. Is it actually possible? (a very intense 45 minutes)

Nope. Though perhaps I should have started on something smaller than the sofa I was lying on.

8. Will global warming eventually result in humans evolving sun umbrellas out of the top of their heads? (20 minutes)

In all likelihood yes, but Darwin’s ‘Origin of Species’ is surprisingly silent on the subject. He should do more research.

9. Do animals tell jokes? (30 minutes)

I would imagine they probably do, but they have limited intelligence so it is probably all ‘Knock Knock’ this, or ‘Doctor Doctor’ that. A bit like the northern club circuit. I suppose they might throw in the odd ‘Why did the chicken cross the road’ joke, the animals would appreciate those I’m sure. Except for the chickens. Who probably just make jokes about the Cornish hens that cross the road, but then the Cornish hens would probably just make jokes about the White Laced Red Cornish Hens that crossed the road. There are comedy stereotypes even in the animal world you see. Even if they are too stupid to make a decent pun.

10. Can cats be allergic to cats? (an hour)

I really fucking hope so.

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