when I become Prime Minister (and it is a ‘when’) I am going to introduce a new written test for all drivers before they can use the motorway. It will be a simple multiple choice quiz and will be designed to trick stupid drivers into identifying themselves. People that fail will be killed to death or something. I think the quiz will look like this.

1. When on the motorway, what is the car in front of you to be used for?

• a) Nothing, it should be considered a potential hazard.
• b) To check you are keeping a sufficient distance.
• c) Drafting. The close you get, the less petrol you use.

2. What is the left hand lane on the motorway used for?

• a) It is the normal lane in which we should drive.
• b) It has no special purpose and should be treated like all the others.
• c) Left hand lane? Do I look stupid. I know my car will instantly explode if I drive in that lane, no matter how empty the road is.

3. The full beam setting for your headlights is to be used for what purpose?

• a) Ensuring you can see into the distance, at night, and on an empty road.
• b) Signalling to another car travelling in the opposite direction.
• c) Blinding the driver in front of you on a packed road in the hope they will speed up or get out of your way.

4. What is considered a safe distance from the car in front of you?

• a) About a foot for every mile per hour
• b) Far enough to react safely if something goes wrong ahead
• c) Distance? I want to be in their boot.

5. Lane-hopping on a motorway should be:

• a) limited, and only done when circumstances dictate it
• b) only undertaken when overtaking another vehicle, or leaving the motorway.
• c) continuous, in order to keep the tyres at their optimum temperature.

Have I forgotten anything?

No tags