In between Christmas and New Year I visited a couple of female friends, Blondie #1 and Blondie #2, at their flat. Whilst we sat and discussed how rubbish our presents had been this year it was difficult not to notice the sound of the television from the flat below.

“Is their TV always that loud?” I asked.

“Oh yes, I just wish we had the nerve to go down and say something.” replied Blondie #1.

Buoyed by a bottle and a half of Pinot Grigio’s finest courage, it did not take much to convince them that tonight was the ideal opportunity to confront their noisy neighbourly nemesis. I have a talent for motivating people.

I followed them down the stairs, a safe distance behind as I did not want to steal their moment of glory, and we could not discount the possibility of the neighbour being a massive psycho with violent tendancies. He would be less likely to hit two girls. Probably.

Ring Ring went the doorbell.

Nothing.

Except the blaring television that could be heard through the door.

Ring Ring, Ring Ring, RING RING…

Slowly, the door opened to a man of about forty with a confused look on his face. Before he could speak, Blondie #1 jumped in.

“Hi, I’m really sorry to bother you, we live in the flat above you and your TV is really quite loud, I don’t suppose you could turn it down could you?”

He stared at her blankly, and then, quite deliberately, and quite slowly, said, “EYE ARNT EAR YOW.”

It was then that we noticed the hearing aids behind both ears.

In terms of morally questionable actions, where, on the sliding scale of evil, does abusing a deaf man for playing his TV too loudly, sit, exactly? Is it up there with accidentally kicking a one legged mans crutch out from under him? Or hitting a blind mans guide dog with a football from fifty feet away. I ask, as this is not a hat-trick I am particularly proud of.

On the brightside, he did turn the volume down.

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If you haven’t already, please read this, and do as I ask because, well, I am a whore.

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