I have turned both twenty-twelve (in real years) and one (in blog years), all in the space of a couple of days.

I did not get any cards for my blog birthday (you selfish bastard Internet people). For that reason alone, I expect an outpouring of good wishes from readers, regulars and lurkers alike in the comment box below.

So what has happened in this last blog-year?

Quite a lot as it happens. 265 posts, 3550 comments (plus 6,075 deleted ones about Viagra), and 40,000 visitors. This is quite a lot of stuff to cover, so I have decided to do a little round-up to bring all the new people up to speed, and to let them know what they have missed (whilst summarily skipping over the shit bits).

So, where to begin? Oh, last January. Yes.

January 2006

This is where it all began for me. Not a particularly prolific month, just getting a few things off my chest, particularly in my first ever post about kids with ridiculous names. The twats. I never did find anyone who could hum a Frank Zapper tune? Also in the news were the Fathers for Justice, for ceasing all protest activity, a real shame that.

February 2006

Blogging, for me, began in earnest in February, and I finally reached my prolific rate of a post a day (you lucky lucky people). This month brought the deceptively titled Winter Olympics, and my suggested improvements. I also noted an article about the rise of Virtual Sex. This post brought my first ever comment, from this lady in her previous incarnation (she just changed names, she is not like Dr. Who, I don’t think). Her comment was about wanking. The tone of the blog never recovered. Then I had trouble with my duvet. Again. Just like I always do.

March 2006

March saw a small foray into the world of DIY (of which others were to follow), I also discussed a ‘List’ that my ex-girlfriend and I had, which with hindsight was a bad idea. I then got verbally abused by an old lady, who falsely accused me of a crime I didn’t commit! The month ended in Portugal with some fucker stealing my toast.

April 2006

This month began, as it always does, with April Fools Day, and this was quickly followed by my realisation that the BBC Weather service is actually shite. It was not all trivial bollocks though, oh no, I also solved the pensions crisis, though my recommendations have yet to become law. I am sure it is only time. Tom Cruise turned cannibal, and then I noticed how I must have become a sheep. The month came to a close with me learning that a film that is based on a true story does not mean the depicted action actually happened. Oh no.

May 2006

My first ever experiment in photo messaging with girls! It is not as easy as it sounds. Shortly afterwards, a 9/11 conspirator was sentenced to life imprison and I wanted to know what happened to his 72 virgins? I then almost got a part in the next Harry Potter movie, sort of, and I learned a valuable life lesson – carrots do not contain nuts.

June 2006

I made an impassioned plea to all the suicidal folks reading this site, and it is just as valid today as it was in June. A runner-up trophy was earned by yours truly in the Annual Lads Superstars Challenge. I was surprised by a young ladies football knowledge during the World Cup, and Darth Helmet paid me back what he owed me. The twat.

July 2006

I received a phone call during which steps are taken to avoid a case of mistaken identity with HSBC. In other news, I caught up with a friend and considered the pro’s and con’s of sponsoring animals. This month also saw my worst drunken faux pas of 2006. Happy days.

August 2006

The summer began to disappear and discussion focused on copycat criminals, and how guilty they and the original criminals are. I decided it was time to join a new gym, and I was honoured to be an usher at a friends wedding. We then took a small step back in history to when Denis Leary stole my joke. I went to the Edinburgh festival, which was an adventure in itself, parts 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 are here. The month ended with me suffering a moment of weakness and trying to fix the world.

September 2006

I went on holiday and abandoned you all for a week, without so much as a prick to my conscience. When I returned, the story of a man banned from driving drew my attention, because he is blind. My cabbie told me about a book he is writing and my friend Amy blog-sat for me for a couple of days.

As Mike reminded me below, I was also mentioned in .net magazine as one of the Top 50 British Blogs (according to the person that wrote the article and not based on any form of empirical study, obviously).  Which was nice.

October 2006

The news early in the month focused on a new technology designed to stop your mobile phone from being stolen. I point out that it is, in reality, shit. I was also left dumbstruck by the number of honest people in the UK, and I booked a flight from one of London’s 13 airports. Yes, I said 13. Later, I was confused by the adulation received by DJ’s and I discovered just how utterly useless at DIY I actually am. Oh, and World Blog Day came and went too.

November 2006

I began my one man campaign against juvenile criminals and my car was up for renewal so I made a call to the local Citroen dealer to enquire about the new C4’s special features. I had a minor gripe about Remembrance Sunday, and I started taking Salsa lessons. Readers of this site then contributed to the greatest philosophical debate of our time before fat Jim came up with an idea that he thinks will make him rich.

December 2006

The festive season began with a dilemma over a Secret Santa gift, and continued with my trialing of Katy Newtons Pedestrian Politeness. After almost one full year, it dawned on me just how powerful I had become. I also became a published author! (sort of). I forgot to mention this at the time, but I have a post in this book, it is good (the book, not the post – they used the Winter Olympics one from February in case you were wondering). I met some fellow Internet dwellers (and very nice they were too), and gave some advice on buying Christmas presents. The month came to and end with some Pagan festival or other, and I entertained some carol singers.  I ended the year at number 37 in the Technoranki chart, not bad for a new kid.

So that is it. A whole year. If I’m honest, I did not think I would still be doing this after 12 months and thought I would run out of things to say by March. Some of you may think I did. I look back at some of those early posts in the same way I look at photos of myself in the very early nineties in ridiculously baggy trousers and hooded tops. What was I thinking? Still, it is there forever now.

Anyway, I am not going anywhere soon, so get used to it.

Normal service will resume tomorrow.

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