There is a knock at the door.

I answer it to three youths, of about 16, who start singing in a dreadful voice.

“Siiiiilent Night, Hoooooly night..”

This takes me by surprise in two ways. Firstly, I thought I was about to be robbed by burglars too lazy to break in, and secondly, because I have never heard a Christmas carol sung by someone in a hoodie. This is what it must be like for Simon Cowell in the early rounds of X-Factor.

Rather than simply tell them how bad they are, I decide to show them how it should be sung. This is just one of the ways in which I am better than Simon Cowell.

“ALLLLL IS CALMMM, ALLLL IS BRIGHT!!!” I vocalised loudly.

It is fair to say this took them by surprise. One of them stopped, but the other two carried on. Fair play to them, you need to have determination if you’re going to make in this game.

“Round Your Virgin, Mother and Child…” they continued, watching me intently.

“HOOOOLY INFANT SO TENDER AND MILD!!” I responded.

I was better, louder and more lyrically accurate. It was a bit like playing singstar on the Playstation against complete strangers. I did not celebrate this victory in thier faces however, I understand that not everyone can be as talented as me.

I was somewhat dumbstruck when they held out a santa hat as if I was going to give them some money. Surely they owed me money? I sang back at them, louder and closer to the actual tune, just.

If I had given them money, it would be like me paying someone to come round and play guitar for me. I am better, so I don’t need you, and would say no give the choice, which I wasn’t.

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