The new-fangled machine beeps loudly in a tone that shrieks “Look at me! I am new and I am fangled!”
“Place your item in the bag please.” says the nice computer lady inside the new-fangled machine to the elderly human lady in front of me in the queue.
My local Tesco has introduced some self service tills in order to speed up the buying process and to employ fewer till people. I am all in favour of introducing technology to make our lives easier, and cannot wait for hover-boards and x-ray spectacles, but in the meantime I will make do with a machine that scans your shopping. This is a good thing.
“Please scan your next item”, it continues, prompting the elderly human lady into action. Politely.
She then picks up a tin of fruit and turns it over in her hand. It appears she is reading the label and contents. She turns it over again.
“I don’t think this has a barcode on it?” she says looking at me.
I do not look like I work at Tesco so this question is clearly a cry for help. “Yes it does, it is right there on the back, look.” I add, pointing at the barcode right there on the back.
Beep.
“Please scan your next item.”
This time it is a bottle of detergent. Again she can not find the barcode. She turns it over in her hand. Then back over again.
Beep.
The clever computer registers the item. She still continues turning it over in search of the barcode. “You know, I don’t think this has a barcode either?”. I point out that it does, and it has already been scanned.
“Really? Isn’t that clever. I didn’t even show it the barcode. It has better eyesight that I do! Wonderful!”
I decide to time her. It takes her four and a half minutes to scan and pay for 12 items. Like I’ve heard said elsewhere, and I think this case proves it, if you invent some idiot-proof technology, then someone will just invent a better idiot. Plus the chances are she’ll be about 80 years old and shopping in my local supermarket.
No tags
Fussy Bitch · November 28, 2006 at 9:08 am
So you were that helpful young man! Sorry for the delay, I put my specs on when I got home just in time to stop myself drizzling my dessert pears in detergent.
M.C. Glammer · November 28, 2006 at 9:12 am
Technology delivers, sometimes.
If NASA can’t get it right evey time, what chance the rest of the inventor geeks?
Still, you did show remarkable aptitude in the locating and scanning of barcodes. Have you considered a career in retail?
billyboy · November 28, 2006 at 9:12 am
Why is it all women over 40 no matter what race religion creed or colour always insist on giving the right change. I say to MrsF “Hand over you note and they give you the change”. But oh no they scrat around digging about in the anus of their purse and then after 10 minutes they say ” No I am sorry I dont think I have it”. It makes me friggin livid.
Ellie · November 28, 2006 at 9:35 am
Ooh you do have a penchant for all things tesco dont you! We used one of those on holiday and it was so much fun (see i dont get out much!) any hoo i wonder if the goldcard would’ve woo’d the lady in front?
E x
PB Curtis · November 28, 2006 at 9:56 am
Sir
I did not fight in Crimea and two World Wars just to see the word “less” when I expect to see “fewer”, and neither did anyone else. Bah!
Admin comment by Mr Angry · November 28, 2006 at 10:10 am
Fussy Bitch – I hope the hip is better.
MC Glammer – I fear I may be over qualified.
Billyboy – There should be a countdown function where the price goes up the longer you take to pay. This is my best idea this morning.
Ellie – Hello. It is local, what can I do? And machines are less impressed by my array of credit facilities.
PBC – I apologise for the mistake what I did. I have now edited it to make you feel better. I am like the BBC stealth editing team.
z · November 28, 2006 at 10:18 am
Really, Angry, you don’t help yourself at all. You were evidently polite and helpful to this woman, who will now continue to use the scanner. If you had brushed her aside Angrily, it would have put her off ever trying again. Now she has you marked and will approach you hopefully for help every time you go in.
And she has old lady friends and she will tell them.
Dr J · November 28, 2006 at 10:25 am
We have the same trouble with the automated check in screen installed at phenominal expense to “speed up” our checking in of patients for appointments.
We put it in to free our admin staff to handle more calls on the phone and generally be more available to help punters with queries.
Seems the main query they are helping them with is “How do I gat to check in now then?”
So what hitherto took them one mouse click, now takes five minutes painstaking demonstration…. after which they give up, come back behind the desk, and check them in the “old fashioned way” with one mouse click.
Murphy · November 28, 2006 at 10:26 am
The little old lady probably got home and unloaded £100 worth of high value stuff from her coat like one of those old Ealing Comedies. It wasn’t Alec Guiness was it?
Admin comment by Mr Angry · November 28, 2006 at 10:39 am
z – As I have said before, old people are my
nemesis’s nemisii(PBC what is the plural of nemesis?). I find it very hard to be rude to them. I am disappointed in myself.Dr J – NHS technology projects not delivering expected benefits? Shurely shome mishtake?…
Murphy – I did actually think it is a process that invites shoplifting. Not literally. That would be stupid.
itsmyparty · November 28, 2006 at 10:40 am
Just what is it about elderly humans? I will never understand how they can’t manage to pack their shopping up while the cashier puts it through – they just stand there and then wait until checkout bint hands them their change before packing it into bags. That’s even more irritating when said checkout bint start putting your stuff through before elderly human has finished packing theirs.
Oh and they can never manage to enter their PIN correctly either!
Elderly humans should have restricted shopping hours to keep them away from the rest of us.
PB Curtis · November 28, 2006 at 11:16 am
I would have thought one Nemesis was enough for anyone.
Badger · November 28, 2006 at 11:24 am
Angry, let me suggest that next time you go up to this delightful lady and cram the detergent somewhere unpleasant. Front or back bottom will do.
B.
GH · November 28, 2006 at 12:27 pm
Hi Mr. A.
Long-time reader, first-time writer here.
The Tesco’s by Liverpool Street station has a whole bunch of those self-service tills along with the normal ones. So you have a choice of which queue to join. I’m sure that they should simply ask the question “Can you program a Sky+ box and get the program that you actually want to watch?” Those that can, get a chance to use the self-service tills.
GH
Goodwin · November 28, 2006 at 12:50 pm
I would have informed the lady that self service is for 10 items or less, typical old people pushing the boundry of self service.
We have the self service in Tesco, but all the technology in the world and they always throw up an error when Im buying a cooked chicken! something to do with weight/price calculation, I think Steven Hawkins and his sister has a grudge against “Extra Tasty Chicken”.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · November 28, 2006 at 1:15 pm
itsmyparty – put them all in homes, it is the only solution.
PB Curtis – If only that were true…
Badger – it was one of those funny shaped bottles. I am not cruel.
GH – Hello! That is an excellent idea, can we have that caveat for the right to vote as well?
Goodwin – It is “10 items or fewer” Honestly, the standard of grammar on this site is falling by the day. Stick to things with easy-to-read barcodes. Beans are good for that.
Dr_Clip · November 28, 2006 at 1:21 pm
i hope she wasnt in a rush to by old ladies nappies, (tanner ladies.?)
BoyOnTop · November 28, 2006 at 1:30 pm
Thus proving the point that no matter how smart the technology, it is still required to be used by a man (or woman) and thus is prone to failure.
Goodwin · November 28, 2006 at 2:17 pm
Hmmm, Im sure the bloody machine says “10 items or less”, Im going to have to investigate now.
I could have been worse and have posted in a language that only under 18’s can read, “N dat wood ov pssd u rit of” (Hope I got that right!)
Ldbug · November 28, 2006 at 3:23 pm
*groan* While I respect my elders and all I would pay good money for a law to be passed requiring all retired folks to attend twice yearly classes on ‘new technologies’
Scan your own grocieries!
Fun with texting!
Carry your phone with you!
Beyond CD’s!
Faster than e-mail – IM!
Just what is a blog? – Start your own!!
Of course, I pity the poor bastard that would have to teach those classes to little 80 yr old ladies….
TJ · November 28, 2006 at 4:22 pm
Dr Clip
Tena Lady!
Don’t ask ………..
Badger · November 28, 2006 at 6:44 pm
TJ – I love the adverts for those. They’re basically saying “piss yourself in comfort”…
B.
Natasha · November 28, 2006 at 8:08 pm
How are you going to chat up a check-out-machine with a gold card? Its lines with the check-out-CHICKS that you should be getting into.
clarissa · November 28, 2006 at 8:25 pm
Did she give you a hug?
Alan · November 29, 2006 at 9:52 am
Been on the Tesco self serve trip, is it only me, or do I choose the “duff” machine, which is always asking “unexpected item on belt, please remove”. Even though there’s nowt on the fffing thing…. But I will admit to prefering tesco above Asda…
Admin comment by Mr Angry · November 29, 2006 at 10:21 am
Dr Clip – She didn’t have that old lady ’smell’ if that is what you are asking?
BoT – Isn’t it always the way? It’s the stupid people that spoil it for the rest of us.
Goodwin – Just because Tesco are grammatically incorrect, does not mean you should be too. Please see PBC.
Ldbug – you couldn’t pay me enough to do that job.
TJ – Thanks for the err, clarification.
Badger – that is an advert for Vodka right?
Natasha – Hello. As I said at JonnyB’s place, the card is saved for the cuties, if there aren’t any then I’ll practise my lines on an inanimate object. Like at weekends.
Clarissa – I’m sure she was sorely tempted.
Alan – I think they all have this problem. I think.
Badger · November 30, 2006 at 2:23 pm
Angry – It very well could be! I have belatedly decided that Tena Lady should be renamed to “HagRags”.
Catchy, no?
B.