“Great rates for Regular savers!” reads the ATM outside the Abbey on Saturday morning.

“Ask inside for details.”

I do not want to ask inside, even though the town centre is in the midst of a downpour reminiscent of that scene in Hard Rain when it looks like Christian Slater is about to get off with Minnie Driver. I get my cash card from my pocket and on the third attempt, the machine accepts it.

“Please wait while we check your card.” it politely requests. I agree to do as it asks as willingly as anyone would do, to a machine that had your cash card in its possession. I assume that my approach is unusual and people were putting their cards in and walking off all the time, hence the machines polite request.

The rain begins to seep into the top of my jacket and down my neck as I am reminded to “Keep my PIN safe!”. Thank you machine. That is excellent and timely advice in this weather.

Once my card has been proven to be a valid one, I am prompted for my PIN number, which I enter with the dexterity of concert pianist whilst also looking over my shoulder for potential PIN snatchers. You know who you are.

“Please wait.”

So I do. Again. And still the rain falls.

Approximately three days later, and after about a gallon of water has made its way down my back, I am asked if I would like any ‘other services’. This is unusual. It is a step in my regular ATM / human interactions that I am unfamiliar with. Until I notice the sign at the top saying, “I’m sorry, this machine has no cash available”.

Excellent.

How hard would it be for Abbey to put a notice on the front screen saying, “I realise it is pissing down outside, so please don’t waste your valuable time getting soaking wet as we don’t have any cash to give you. Sorry about that.”

Useless twatting ATMs.

As I walk off the “Great rates for Regular savers!” advert reappears waiting to catch out its next unsuspecting rain-soaked victim.

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