“A pint of the usual please.” I say slapping my hand down on the bar at the local.
“I’ll get that Angry!” shouts Fat Jim across the Pub.
“Why are you so chipper Fat Jim, it usually takes a verbal berating or being dragged to the bar by your hair for you to get a round in.”
“Well, you see Angry, I am going to be rich. Rich beyond my wildest dreams!”
“Oh this is going to be good, I can just tell. Tell me Fat Jim, how exactly are you going to become rich?”
“OK, picture this. What do you do every single day without fail?”
“err, I wonder how it is that I am an acquaintance of yours?”
“No, no. Not that. In the mornings. You shave of course! It is the bane of every man’s life, and so I have invented a new way of shaving!”
“Oh aye?”
“Yes, it is truly revolutionary. I was watching TV last night when an advert came on that inspired me. Gillette are launching a new razor that is a combination of some special green and orange fusion technology. According to the advert it was forged in the chamber of some sort of nuclear reactor. They claim it reduces friction because, get this, it has FIVE blades. Isn’t that amazing?”
“Not really, Fat Jim, no.”
“Well that’s not the best bit. Do you know what would be more revolutionary than a new five-bladed razor? Yes, that’s right Angry, it’s a SEVEN blade razor. Just going for six blades would be a little bit obvious. So I am thinking outside of the box and going for the element of surprise. If five blades reduces friction, can imagine how smooth a seven blade razor will be? You will barely even know it is touching your face! I am going to call it the Super Duper Power Gliding Sensory Mach 7!!”
“I see what you did there Fat Jim, but what makes you think people will just go ahead and buy it, and more importantly why would they believe that it is better than the last razor that was released just because it has more blades?”
“Because Angry, that is what I will tell the people in my adverts.”
You know, sometimes I think that Fat Jim might just be an evil genius.
No tags
Oli · November 23, 2006 at 8:40 am
Personally I think he should aim at the womens market, they have so much more to shave, under arm, legs downstairs, moustaches, the list is endless.
M.C. Glammer · November 23, 2006 at 8:54 am
They are good razors, those Fusions, but I think there’s four blades on the A side and one on the B side for “those tricky places” [backs, sacs and cracks, I assume]. It’s a bit of a deception for consumers. Plus, if they made them in other colours more women might shave.
z · November 23, 2006 at 8:59 am
A friend of mine confided that he had bought a new razor that was so beguiling that he found himself unable to resist the temptation to shave in all sorts of places that most men usually leave well alone.
Dr J · November 23, 2006 at 9:11 am
Evil Genius? Nah!
More like has the IQ and gullibility of your average 14 year old with a rubbish IQ. ( A simile worthy of Ben Elton at his best I think you’ll agree)
Still if he’s buying I’ll have a double JD over ice….
Murphy · November 23, 2006 at 9:18 am
I notice Gillette withdrew their old “The best a man can get!” adverts in readiness for being hit with a fast-thinking market newcomer like fat jim. He’s a young shaver bristling with ideas and no mistake.
MooMoo · November 23, 2006 at 9:26 am
I love the idea that people everywhere are sat transfixed to the ‘new revolution in……..’
My personal fav is the tounge cleaning toothbrush.
The world has gone MAD!!
BB · November 23, 2006 at 9:41 am
You need to direct Fat Jim’s attention to this:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930?issue=4228&special=2004
Ranting Dullard · November 23, 2006 at 9:51 am
7 Razors?
Is he going to sell them to people thinking of leaving the taleban?
You would have to have a huge face to need 7 razors to shave it.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · November 23, 2006 at 10:21 am
Oli – but women aren’t impressed in things forged in the bowels of a nuclear reactor. Are they?
MC Glammer – Like pink you mean?
z – Name names z, name names…
Dr J – While he’s buying I’m not knocking him.
Murphy – I may well have underestimated him all these years.
MooMoo – Hello. Do you use one of the scraper things instead then?
BB – But five blades is just so passé…
RD – He does have quite a big face now I think about it. At least half of it just just chins.
BoyOnTop · November 23, 2006 at 10:56 am
It’ll never sell. The names’ too long. Plus we’ve just gone from 3 to five, seven is just more of the same. It needs some sort of nuclear melting jell or a hands free mode.
jnrcrank · November 23, 2006 at 11:01 am
the only problem with more blades is the more likely you are to cut yourself. You’ll soon find us shaving with the equivalant of cheese grator.
Thats all you need when getting ready for a date (having dusted off your pick up lines in preperation for the christmas hunting season) rushing while shaving and end up looking like one of Jack the Rippers victoms.
jnrcrank · November 23, 2006 at 11:11 am
I’d hate to burst fat jim’s bubble, but those crafty little buggers probably already the have the 7, 8, 9, 20 blade razor already design – developed and package ready to be shipped!!!
it’s like those bloody i-pods!!! don’t get me started!!!
MooMoo · November 23, 2006 at 11:37 am
Hands free model eh?…. could be on to something there.
Throw in a free hottie-in-a-white-coat-with-square-glasses with every purchase and you’re on to a winner :0)
jnrcrank · November 23, 2006 at 11:42 am
I’ve got it!!!! 8 blades and integrated refillable shaving gel cylider – for the man on the go. No no no – an even better idea….. integrated gel that releases as you shave. No wait, how about the swiss-blade an integrated toothbrush, shaver, gel and toothpaste (color coded so that you don’t put shaveing gel on you thoothbrush an vice versa)….
Angry drinks are on me!!!
greavsie · November 23, 2006 at 12:23 pm
I think they should go back to one blade but with a shaving damsel attachment.
Equine Pimp · November 23, 2006 at 1:17 pm
One really sharp blade to remove the heads of people stupid enough to buy in to this type of advertising.
One blade shaves you close, two blades shaves you closer, etc, etc – it’s hardly rocket science. It’s just common sense and honesty.
Sod responsible drinking, the alcohol firms should take the same approach. 1 drink gets you started, 2 drinks gets you relaxed….20 drinks gets you stomach pumped
f:lux · November 23, 2006 at 1:58 pm
Lazer razor – DIY zapping of hairy chin bits at the follicles (possibily with a special extension gadget thingy for ears, nostrils, toes etc), discouraging the little blighters from growing again so quickly.
Hi-tech, manly, cuts out the whole ‘I’ve got more blades than you’ crap. Now that would be progress.
Goodwin · November 23, 2006 at 2:20 pm
All these companies need to do is watch some 80’s movie classic like Gremlins, that kids dad was an amazing inventor, he had something called a “Bathroom Budy” I think it even had FM Radio built in.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · November 23, 2006 at 2:31 pm
BoT – More of the same? Is it? Is it really?…
Jnrcrank – Perhaps I should try and sell them this idea then?…
greavsie – is she distressed?
EP – “The all new Bacardi breezer 12 pack – guaranteed to get you fucked.”
f:lux – I do like a bit of stubble at the weekend though, how could we get round that?
Goodwin – I remember the ‘Bathroom Buddy’, it truly was ahead of it’s time. I think Victor Kiam may have bought the patent.
Oli · November 23, 2006 at 3:13 pm
Women always like powerful things between their legs, from washing amchines to motorbikes, I think a nuclear reactor would be the ultimate selling point for a woman.
f:lux · November 23, 2006 at 3:39 pm
Oh, I hadn’t thought of that Mr Angry… Make up? Grafting of Elton John’s back hair in emergencies? I don’t know, no pleasing some peeps etc…
Equine Pimp · November 23, 2006 at 3:52 pm
Your Barcadi Breezer line is interesting.
Is that alcohol wise or literally?
If it is a literal claim then I would suggest a target audience of male teenage virgins – it’s a gold mine !!!!!!
Doris · November 23, 2006 at 6:50 pm
I predict the next revolution in male facial hair remover will be the facial wax. I reckon ythey’ll invent little beardy shaped sticky pads to melt onto your face and then rip off. Being able to do it without shrieking and blubbing will give the necessary machismo.
billyboy · November 23, 2006 at 10:32 pm
Doris. I tried waxing my face as a bet with MrsF. I was pissed. It hurt, the waxing not being pissed, infact it hurt lots. Never again. As for back sack and crack – f**K Off almost conveys my feelings.
Four Dinners · November 24, 2006 at 2:33 pm
can I invest? sounds good to me although I am sober at the mo.
Pat · December 11, 2006 at 5:44 pm
I read somewhere that there is a razor that will leave some stubble if you want that look all the time. Anybody know anything about it?