I am watching CSI:Miami, a Miami based spin-off the American hit show CSI (Crime Scene Investigations), but in Miami, like.

I don’t know why I am so intrigued by these shows. I think it is a bit like my parents watching Colombo, in that there is a certain satisfaction in guessing who dunnit before the lead detective exposes them. I have learned that I would make an excellent detective, as I clearly have a good nose for spotting criminals on TV.

Now, after watching this programme for a few series, I have noticed that they must actually be a teaching police department, as in the real world conversations do not go like this:

“We need to get these paint samples to trace, every paint has a unique signature.” says the cute blond CSI.

“So, we find our paint, we find our car.” responds the junior CSI

“Exactly, and then we find our potential murderer!” concludes the cute blond CSI.

This is, frankly, bollocks. In the real world, conversations between working colleagues do not go like this. In the real world, the one that you and I inhabit, know-it-all colleagues that assume you know fuck-all about how to do your job get told to piss off.

“We need to get these paint samples to trace, every paint sample has a…”

“yeah yeah, I know, it’s like a finger print for cars. I get it. I went to CSI school too you know. Seriously, sometimes it’s like you’re just narrating your day.”

“Err, OK. Anyway, if we find that signature, we find the car and then we have our…”

“Seriously. Dude. Are you even listening to me? I know how it works OK? While you’re busy in here teaching grandma to suck eggs we could be catching bad people.”

“Right, yeah, OK”

A little later in the program and they’re investigating a diamond that has been stolen.

“Carrot weight is it’s value in the real world. I’m looking at the girdle, where they put the DIA number.”

“Right, Diamond Index of America, that’s where they register all of the high quality diamonds.”

“They inscribe across the diamond with a laser”

[cue helpful animation of a diamond being inscribed with a laser]

“So our diamond is registered?”

“Yes, and the DIA will tell us exactly who the rightful owner is.”

I want to see a more realistic CSI please, something like this:

“Carrot weight is it’s value in the real world. I’m looking at the girdle, where they put the DIA number.”

“Look, stop trying to look clever, I just want to know who owns it, OK?”

“Fine, you see what they do is get a laser and then they…”

“Do they laser the name and address of the owner? “

“Well, not quite li…”

“Because if they don’t, I’m not interested.”

“But we can use the lasered number to cross reference the DIA datab…”

“Will you please shut the fuck up. I. Just. Want. The. Name.”

“OK…”

That is what we need. Realistic Gritty Drama.

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I am watching CSI:Miami, a Miami based spin-off the American hit show CSI (Crime Scene Investigations), but in Miami, like.

I don’t know why I am so intrigued by these shows. I think it is a bit like my parents watching Colombo, in that there is a certain satisfaction in guessing who dunnit before the lead detective exposes them. I have learned that I would make an excellent detective, as I clearly have a good nose for spotting criminals on TV.

Now, after watching this programme for a few series, I have noticed that they must actually be a teaching police department, as in the real world conversations do not go like this:

“We need to get these paint samples to trace, every paint has a unique signature.” says the cute blond CSI.

“So, we find our paint, we find our car.” responds the junior CSI

“Exactly, and then we find our potential murderer!” concludes the cute blond CSI.

This is, frankly, bollocks. In the real world, conversations between working colleagues do not go like this. In the real world, the one that you and I inhabit, know-it-all colleagues that assume you know fuck-all about how to do your job get told to piss off.

“We need to get these paint samples to trace, every paint sample has a…”

“yeah yeah, I know, it’s like a finger print for cars. I get it. I went to CSI school too you know. Seriously, sometimes it’s like you’re just narrating your day.”

“Err, OK. Anyway, if we find that signature, we find the car and then we have our…”

“Seriously. Dude. Are you even listening to me? I know how it works OK? While you’re busy in here teaching grandma to suck eggs we could be catching bad people.”

“Right, yeah, OK”

A little later in the program and they’re investigating a diamond that has been stolen.

“Carrot weight is it’s value in the real world. I’m looking at the girdle, where they put the DIA number.”

“Right, Diamond Index of America, that’s where they register all of the high quality diamonds.”

“They inscribe across the diamond with a laser”

[cue helpful animation of a diamond being inscribed with a laser]

“So our diamond is registered?”

“Yes, and the DIA will tell us exactly who the rightful owner is.”

I want to see a more realistic CSI please, something like this:

“Carrot weight is it’s value in the real world. I’m looking at the girdle, where they put the DIA number.”

“Look, stop trying to look clever, I just want to know who owns it, OK?”

“Fine, you see what they do is get a laser and then they…”

“Do they laser the name and address of the owner? “

“Well, not quite li…”

“Because if they don’t, I’m not interested.”

“But we can use the lasered number to cross reference the DIA datab…”

“Will you please shut the fuck up. I. Just. Want. The. Name.”

“OK…”

That is what we need. Realistic Gritty Drama.

No tags