Before you start thinking I am anti-Remembrance Sunday, don’t. That would be wrong. I am merely anti the rubbish poppies that we continue to be sold year on bloody year.

I am now on poppy number 3 this year, and it is only Thursday. I will probably have to buy another one over the weekend. This is not to mention the two times I have drawn blood in trying to fix it to my jacket with the Pin of Woe. The Pin of Woe is the worst fastening mechanism ever designed, in that it is essentially a small dagger, and doesn’t actually do any fastening.

I cannot believe the remembrance Sunday organisers are going to let themselves be out-done by the Comic Relief people yet again. Year-on-year Lenny Henry improves the design of the ridiculous noses, so that not only are they more easily fixed to a wide assortment of faces (or even an assortment of wide faces), but also the changing design means you cannot simply reuse the previous years effort, much to Fat Jim’s chagrin.

However, the poppies haven’t changed for as long as I can remember (which is a really long time going all the way back to the early nineties). In that same time, fastening technology has improved dramatically, I even own a pair of trainers that do not have laces! The design possibilities with plastics have also evolved significantly. So surely they can come up with something better by now?

Perhaps one that shoots water, or just affixes itself to your clothing without ten minutes of muttering and swearing and cursing of dead soldiers. Half the people selling them couldn’t fasten it to a jacket if you gave them all afternoon and the promise a of new hip.

I am surprised more people don’t get frustrated in trying to fasten their poppy and end up thinking, “Oh sod it, this is too difficult, no amount of remembering lost soldiers is worth all this hassle.” Next time someone rattles a collection tin in my general direction, I will show them the plaster on my finger and explain to them what real suffering is like.

Come on Poppy sellers, lets get your doddery old brains working on something worthwhile in time for next year. You have all that time spent outside in the cold, so try and put it to good use. If we can watch the Internet on our phones and read number plates from space, then surely you can come up with a better designed poppy?

In the meantime, is it OK to affix your poppy to your lapel using gaffer tape?

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