I was listening to the radio at the weekend, preparing for a night out, and getting myself in the right frame of mind. The right frame of mind being anything other than mildly sociopathic.

At some point during the broadcast the DJ said he was going to listen to his voicemail messages, an unusual step I thought for the middle of a live broadcast. Then he played what appeared to be messages that had been left for him by his friends.

“Hi Pete, this is DJ Danny, Great show mate, listen, tonight I’ll be playing at the Assembly in London and tomorrow night I’ll be at Liquid in the Rotherham. It’s gonna be ace. And don’t forget that my new 12 inch is out on Monday, take care Pete!”

I thought this was a little strange, and perhaps the most bizarre voicemail I had ever heard. Until he played the next one.

“Hey Pete, its Judge Jules here. Tonight I’m playing a set at Turnmils from 11-1 then I’ll be at the Ministry of Sound from 3am onwards. Tomorrow night I’m going to be mashing it up big style at Gatecrasher which as you know is my main residency. Catch up soon bro.”

You know what? I have strong suspicion that these messages are actually fake. In fact, it appears they are just blatant advertisements! On the BBC! Also, do they not realise that you have to pay to listen to your messages on most networks nowadays, or at least use up some of your free minutes. I know that Pete Tong probably isn’t poor, but that is no reason to take advantage of his kind nature and use up all his free minutes plugging your ’set’ at some club or another.

Unfortunately he stopped after two or three of these messages as I wanted to hear some others. I’m sure it would have only been a matter of time before we got a message much like the rest of us receive with alarming regularity.

“Hi Pete, it’s your Mum, you haven’t called in a while so just checking you were OK. Also, don’t forget it’s your Aunty Maudes birthday on Sunday, it’d be nice if you could give her a call, she was always good to her little Petey when you were younger.”

“Pete, it’s Maria, please stop calling. It’s over. Get over it. The restraining order will kick on Monday and I WILL have you arrested.”

I have decided to adopt this new trend in voicemails and have just left the following message:

“Hi Fat Jim, it’s Angry. This Friday I will be going out in town starting at the Slug and Lettuce and finishing at Vanilla at 3am. On Saturday I will be playing football. On Sunday I will be having a pub lunch at the Vansittart Arms with my real friends. I also have an old set of golf clubs for sale. See ya.”

I want everyone reading this to ring a friend to leave a message telling them what you’re doing this weekend, and at what time. Emphasis should be given activities that won’t include them. If you can mention something you’ve got for sale, that would be a bonus.

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