I go to visit my parents.
I haven’t lived at home since 1993, but I still enjoy going home every now and again. For the food and the relaxation. They often ask me how it’s going in the “City”, and I tell them I don’t live in the City. They’ll ask me how the world of Computers is, and I’ll explain I don’t work with Computers. It is fun being home.
During one of my recent visits my Mum was in the kitchen and there was a knock at the front door.
“Would you get that Angry dear?”
“Sure.”
I went to open the door and was greeted by a young man of about 25 with a clipboard and large bag of paper.
“Hi, I’m here from Kleeneze, I’ve come to pick up the catalogue and take any orders?”
“Mum, some guy is here from Kleeneze about some catalogue they gave you?” I shouted back towards the kitchen.
“Oh, I threw it out” replied my mother.
“She threw it out, sorry.”
“Oh, you’re not supposed to do that. They’re £1.25 to replace.”
I was considering paying the man myself, but decided that you are never to old to learn a bit of financial discipline, so I made my way to the kitchen rifle through my mothers purse.
“You should be more careful Mum, £1.25’s don’t grown on trees you know.” I said whilst opening her purse.
“I didn’t ask for the catalogue, they just post them through the door, it seems a little unfair I have to pay for it?”
And suddenly the realisation dawned on me. He was trying to rip off my Mum. This was very very bad for him.
“Hi, I have here your £1.25, but first I’m going to see the evidence of my Mum requesting your catalogue.”
“Well, it says on the back here that you should leave it out for us if you’re not going to be in. We need to collect them back.”
“I can read. I want to know where the evidence of my Mothers request for a £1.25 catalogue is”.
“It’s only £1.25 if you don’t return it.”
“She didn’t ask for it. You posted it through her door, and now you want to charge her for this unrequested junk mail. I believe the legal term for what you are doing is ‘extortion’. It carries a prison sentence you know.”
“So you’re not going to pay for it then?”
“No. I am not. And I would like to make clear that if you ‘deliver’ a catalogue here ever again I will personally shove it up into your anus. And I might even take it out of the cellophane first so that it chafes a bit.”
“Err, OK.”
And off into the night he went, probably to demand money with menaces from some other elder lady, the cheeky twat.
I went back into the kitchen to tell me Mum that I had defended her honour, and that the thieves from Kleeneze won’t be back, nosiree.
“Did you order some of that CarShine stuff? Your Dad says it brings the car up lovely.”
Honest to God, as each day passes I realise why homes for the elderly are so popular. Does anyone know if they will they take women in their late fifties?
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Ranting Dullard · October 30, 2006 at 9:42 am
They sell some very strange things that only parents of a certain age would buy.
My mum has no idea what I do, despite the fact I have had the same job for 14 years. She thinks I am some sort of doctor…oh well.
Oli · October 30, 2006 at 9:56 am
Good job, for some reason readers digest keeps sending me books then asking me to pay for them,apparently its because I agreed to this while entering some competition when I was 5, if I dont buy the books they send flying celery off to kill my family.
Be warned…
Chairwoman · October 30, 2006 at 10:05 am
I don’t believe for one minute that your mother is ‘elderly’.
Murphy · October 30, 2006 at 10:07 am
I can’t believe your mum calls you “Angry, dear”. Particularly as she’s such a youngster.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · October 30, 2006 at 10:40 am
RD – My Mum tells her friends that I “Work with Computers in London”. Which is both factually and Geographically incorrect.
Oli – Readers Digest issue death threats?
Chairwoman – It’s all comparative isn’t it?
Murphy – Well, no, she uses my real name, which will remain a secret. And in dog years she’s positively ancient.
philip · October 30, 2006 at 12:26 pm
Using a computer at work is enough :
For my mother to believe I work in computers
For my sister to believe I know about them and can fix hers or her firms PC problems (” cos our IT is twat and we dont trust him”)
It also confers Engineer Status on me for stuff like freeview and sky boxes.
Can you just look at it while you are here and sort it out?
Dr_Clip · October 30, 2006 at 1:19 pm
As a youngster I studied Mechanical Engineering at a Unversitry which was deemed to pip Oxbridge in this particular discipline. My Uncle to this day still thinks I went on a “Welding” course.
I used to be in IT and now in Telecoms. Which means to my family that I can fix PC’s (or even worse worked in Dixons)and now can answer all manner of questions relating to mobiles phone problems.
Dr_Clip · October 30, 2006 at 1:23 pm
oh dear, what an unfortunate mis-spelling.
I did go, ‘onest guvner!
Admin comment by Mr Angry · October 30, 2006 at 1:28 pm
Philip – ah yes, a situation I am more than familiar with!
Dr Clip – But can you weld better than you can spell?
Greavsie · October 30, 2006 at 2:13 pm
Did she complete your washing for you though?
Oli · October 30, 2006 at 2:47 pm
Not straight away, first its thumbs, then legs.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · October 30, 2006 at 5:05 pm
Greavsie – the days of her doing my washing are long gone…
Oli – The Mafia of the book world eh?
Badger · October 30, 2006 at 5:23 pm
I usually respond to these people by politely shutting the door (under the pretence than I am going to get somebody else) before yelling through the letterbox: “FUCK OFF YA TWATTING OLD CUNT BASTARDS! AAAAARGH!”
On another note, I was in London for most of yesterday. What a barren shithole. I spent all day yelling at Cockneys who thought I was some mental Scouser with a Stanley knife. Southern pansies.
Ldbug · October 30, 2006 at 5:43 pm
I love going home too, but it’s taxing to have your mom wake you up because sleeping past nine in the morning is unheard of.
I’m also getting a little tired of the whole “when are you getting married and settling down?” thing which, when in close proximity to her, I have to actually listen to, where-as on the phone I could do something useful, like, watch TV and blog while the phone sits politely on my lap.
Lazytracy · October 30, 2006 at 5:55 pm
I think your mum should count her blessings that it’s only a catalogue they wanted her to pay for.
Here in Holland it’s getting more and more popular for them to deliver an item to your house, say a tv-decoder (or something technical like that)to ensure you have access to 30 extra channels, which costs about 30 euro a month. If then you decide you don’t want it, it’s up to you to make sure they get it back.
And all of this for something you didn’t order in the first place.
BoyOnTop · October 30, 2006 at 6:40 pm
Now that’s a dodge I hadn’t seen before. Sweet. Completely illegal, of course, but sweet.
Ldbug, speaking as a parent, she’s not waking you up because its imoral to sleep past nine, but in revenge for all the early mornings you put her through when you were young… I fully intend to do the same to my kids when they get to the stage of sleeping past 6 in the morning…
TJ · October 30, 2006 at 6:55 pm
I went ‘home’ this weekend, got drunk on friday night during a family meal out and said the C-word in front of my mum!
What was her response … “It’s a good job you didn’t use that language in front of your dad”!
ellie · October 30, 2006 at 8:57 pm
Oh, Angry, you are a chivalrous motherf*cker (ok, maybe that last expletive was neither appropriate nor very funny ….). Did your mum give you a hug for your good deed?
CyberScribe · October 30, 2006 at 10:19 pm
I love stories like that
‘… Does anyone know if they will they take women in their late fifties?’ As the Mrs probably won’t read this, I was wondering are there any homes that take younger women showing similar behaviour to Mrs Angry Senior ?
Oli · October 31, 2006 at 9:49 am
In the european union (Probably in USA too but cant vouch for that) It is illegal to post anything to somebody and then ask for money unless they have specifically asked for it.
If you signed upo a service to send you the latest technology on a ‘trial basis’ they could do that, but if you havnt requested it and it wasnt an honest mistake by either party you are fully entitled to keep the thing they sent you free of charge.
marycub · October 31, 2006 at 10:05 am
Ha ha. At least your mother wanted something useful. My mum went through a phase of buying the most randomest crap from lakeland magasine which serves no purpose to anyone. Cat scaring plastic owl anyone?
Oli · November 1, 2006 at 9:43 am
My mum bought an egg sheller, even though she doesnt like them, her excuse?
“But i might want to eat one oneday!”
Mark · November 13, 2006 at 12:48 pm
What a cheek asking for money for the catalogue. Especially asking £1.25 when it only costs 60p.
I am a Kleeneze distributor and have never heard anyone asking for money because the house has lost/dumped the catalogue.
The principal is to drop catalogues and hope to pick up orders and establish a customer base. You do get back most of the catalogues and you do lose a few. That is all part of the business.