I did not realise that this was happening last week, until Murphy mentioned it in the comments box (good dog). I find it a bit strange to think that someone from 1000 years away will be reading this, and thinking of me like some sort of caveman.

So I have decided to retrospectively write about my day last Tuesday for the kids of 3006.

I started out at 8am on the train in London. A train was a big metal tube that rumbled along the floor packed full of people trying to get into London. You won’t know about London, it was a city that sank about 800 years ago. Ask your Great Aunty Tequila about it, she was probably around when it happened.

The train was late, which happened a lot back in our day, and no, we couldn’t just teleport to our destination, we had only just learned how to put porn on the Internet. Practical uses for technology were literally decades away.

Upon arrival at London Paddington (a bit like a space station on the ground where the metal tubes full of people emptied and refilled their cargo), I found the tube network was closed. The tube was a big network of underground tunnels that were populated by more metal tubes which we used to get us from A to B (yes, like the rats before they learned to read and took over France). Really, you have no idea what it was like before you could beam yourself all over the Universe.

This meant I had to walk all the way to Knightsbridge, in the outside, which took me about 45 minutes, about the same amount of time it takes to upload the National Curriculum into your brain. Walking is that thing we used to do with our legs, before they evolved away, that made your body move in a particular direction and left you a little warmer than usual.

I know what you’re thinking. “Why would you go outside you mad fucker?” But it is OK, because in my day the Sun was a bit smaller, and we had a thing called Ozone which meant going outside didn’t instantly vaporise you. It just gave you cancer and stuff.

I was quite out of breath by the time I got to Knightsbridge, and a little bit sweaty, so without auto-drying clothes like in Back to the Future II (it will be 10 more years before we get them), I had to use a hand dryer to make myself look respectable. I had to do this you see, because back in the day, we used wear clothes made of cloth, and we had to do them up ourselves. We didn’t get to our pet nanobots to construct a new outfit each hour. Truly, it was like the dark ages.

I then sat in a meeting, with other real live people, where I wrote things down with a pen, onto paper (do a search for “Trees”, we used to mash them up and write on them), so I could read the notes back to myself later. I know, I know, you are thinking I must be some sort of masochist creating all this work for myself, but we couldn’t mind-meld for a few more years so we had no choice. Honestly, this is what we used to do when business people still had real meetings.

Anyway, these are some of the mundane aspects of my day from Tuesday October 16th 2006. If you want to know more about me and what my life was like about a thousand years ago, then try Googling for “Britney Spears fifth husband” or “Who killed James Bunt”.

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