At some point about 5 million years ago, the evolutionary forces that make us what we are today, inspired us to stand up on two legs. It was a truly momentous moment in the history of mankind, and is right up there with the major human milestones such as the invention of the wheel and Internet Porn.

Ever since then, we have been perfecting the use of these two legs. Man can run 100m in under 10 seconds on these legs of ours, and after a shakey first couple of years, it’s very rare that we fall off them unless we’re under the influence or running away from the police. Or both.

We can change direction on them, we can run, we can jump. Girls and gays can skip. They bend in the middle and have to be hit very hard in order to break. In general terms, legs are ace and skill.

Unfortunately, 5 million years isn’t enough for some people to have perfected the art of using your legs to walk in a straight line.

I am sick and fucking tired of following people on busy pavements who dawdle along from one leg to the other with no discernible direction. Granted, it is generally in a forward motion of sorts, but the side to side movement gives the impression they’re on a boat. Or really pissed.

Will you please get the fuck out of my way, because which ever side I try and overtake you on, you slide in that direction. Even loudly muttering, “Pick a lane, any lane!” doesn’t have the desired effect. It’s like a car chase in some bad 1970’s cop show. Each time I get close, you cut me off. You fucker.

Do you realise how much wasted energy is being used up because you can’t walk in a straight line? If people stopped walking like we’re having a minor earth-quake I reckon we could knock 50 cents of the price of a barrel of oil. And I’d get where I’m going a lot quicker.

So walk quick, and walk straight. It’s the way forward. Literally.