Jesus wept, will you people please stop asking me for money.
This last two week period has been nothing but take take take from you work-shy job-hoppers and bloody do-gooders.
Why we have to make donations to people who are leaving the company I have no idea. They’re not going to be leaving for less money are they? They should be chipping in for us poor souls that are left behind. It is about time Hallmark brought out the, “Sorry I’m leaving you in the trenches” card.
There have been four, yes, four people leave here in the last month. Two to go back to Australia, and one to start his own business. This has cost me £40. I can’t even pretend to put money towards their leaving presents as the card (and the ‘collection’) is walked around the office and the collector just stands in front of me whilst I sign the card.
“So, er, how much have people been giving?” I ask reluctantly, somewhat dreading the answer.
“What do you mean?”
“You know, for his leaving collection.”
“Oh, it varies, but obviously the more you can give the better.”
The emphasis was very much on the ‘you’. Having an office does have it’s downside you see. Even deciding to put paper money in rather than spare change means it’s a tenner minimum, as a Fiver would look tight, and there’s no fucking way I’m giving them £20. He’s only been here six months.
Then there’s my ‘friends’.
Four of which have decided to undertake ‘charity’ fund-raising events in the last month. Just how many people can do the Great North Run? Last year it was just the one, this year it’s three, plus another one who did a rally across Europe in an old banger, again for ‘charity’.
Each of each of these friends is obviously using the Internet in the manner for which it was designed, extorting money from people. This takes the form of an online donation, where you can see what all of your over-generous affection-buying friends have given. The pressure of conforming and matching the bigger donations is immense, so once again, everyone gets £20. This is because you don’t get enough room in the comments on Justgiving.com to write, “I know it’s only a fiver, but you’re the fourth person I’m sponsoring in this event, and I give to charity already, plus four people have left work this month, so I’m a bit short like. I’ll give more next year. Probably.”
So it’s a case of, bang, there goes another £80.
In total, this month I have given away £120. This is in addition to a couple of small charity Direct Debits I have anyway (but don’t like to talk about).
Do I feel better as a result of all this generosity? No. I actually feel a little nauseous. Do you know how many lap dances that would buy?
So from now on it’s five pounds maximum for anyone and everyone who wants anything from me, irrespective of how deserving the recipient is. My family will no doubt be delighted Christmas morning this year.
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Greavsie · October 2, 2006 at 8:00 am
Maybe you could buy a season ticket at the lap dancing club to save money?
Or negotiate a BOGOFF? That said you might well get those anyway as a regular user.
You could always keep walking past a colleague’s desk giving them 50p every time you do so; when they ask you what for? just say: ‘It’s an accumulator for your leaving present’.
Banana · October 2, 2006 at 8:35 am
I used to love the collection envelope circulating around. It’s great to get one’s lunch money.
z · October 2, 2006 at 9:00 am
Be like the Queen. Don’t carry cash.
Ignore internet requests for money. If asked, say you refuse to donate by means of one, as charity giving should be anonymous and it’s a form of moral blackmail. Which is true.
Toughen up, sweetie. You are just too polite.
Oli · October 2, 2006 at 9:02 am
I agree with you here, I end up fucking hating charities because you feel pressured into giving more than you can afford, I cancelled my direct debits to charities long ago because I was paying for about 5 charity events a month at work.
Not only that but the government gives a large amount of what we pay in taxes to charities anyway, the fuckers.
There is a way of getting compensation for this, though it takes more effort than I can be arsed with.
If you go on a charity skydive you have to collect at least £150 – £250 to pay for your training etc. so you are in essence getting your work colleagues to pay for you to have a great time!
I dont mind putting a few quid in when somebody i know is leaving, but when smoebody bring the envolope around and mentions the name of someone you dont know, and carries on shoving it in your face while saying ‘ohhh go on you know so and so” despite your best attempts to convince her that you do not infact know the person in question and do not want to part with a crispy tenner to buy this person a nice present.
Murphy · October 2, 2006 at 9:21 am
£120? You could nearly have had a peerage for that.
Lord Angry of Seething. Mmmm
kaz · October 2, 2006 at 9:21 am
My mate is a member of the SWP – they are politically opposed to the concept of charity. It makes saying ‘NO’ so much easier.
Shall I get you a membership form?
Oli · October 2, 2006 at 11:12 am
How does the SWP feel about tipping?
kaz · October 2, 2006 at 11:16 am
Oli: I think they prefer to recycle,
Dr Clip · October 2, 2006 at 1:10 pm
Angry, with your kind help I raised over £1000 for the British Heart Foundation.
I am quite happy to refund you.
But when you are 55 and lying twitching on the floor as your heart struggles to pump blood round your kebab conjealed veins, you may re-consider your rant.
Oli · October 2, 2006 at 1:56 pm
kaz: Sounds like to much effort for me then =p
Murphy · October 2, 2006 at 2:31 pm
Thanks for your cheery words Dr Clip.
Mr P. (aged 55)
Oli · October 2, 2006 at 3:15 pm
Can I have your tv?
DofF · October 2, 2006 at 6:44 pm
the SWP are politically opposed to charity for THEM, but loves enforced charity on everybody else–the socialist fuckers.
BtW this is my first post here, very good blog.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · October 3, 2006 at 8:55 am
Greavsie – what a great idea, the ‘office accumulator’, excellent
banana – I must improve my slight-of-hand I think.
z – “I don’t have any cash left” is not an excuse, it’s the truth…
Oli – good point, I will check if my immense generosity is tax-deductable.
Murphy – ‘Lord Angry’, I like the sound of that…
Kaz – SWP? Doesn’t he occassionally play for Chelsea?
Oli – he’s on £50k a week since leaving Man City so I would think he tips well.
Dr Clip – How about I give you £20 when I’m a twitch 55 year old?
Murphy – Dr Clip has a knack for spreading the joy.
Oli – No.
DofF – Hello, make yourself at home.
anonymous · October 3, 2006 at 10:53 am
How come you only gave me £10, which one of our mates got £20. livid
Admin comment by Mr Angry · October 3, 2006 at 11:21 am
anonymous – you were part of Octobers donations, and not even included in the £120!! Be grateful you got a tenner, which has made a mockery of my fiver statement above in front of the whole Internet…
Oh, a better reason is 10k is only half a Great North Run, so you got half the sponsorship. Yes, that’s a much better reason.